Recently some friends and I were discussing the ethics of being married and having close friends of the opposite sex. It was a touchy conversation for some because they were bothered by the suggestion that it was not right to be married and have opposite sex friendships.
Make way for marriage.
When I was in college, I had a number of close friends who were girls. Part of our friendships were based on life history together (we’d all gone to middle and high school with each other), the other part was we cared for one another. As our friendship grew, so did the tension in regards to romantic relationships.
As we neared graduation from college, I realized that I cared more romantically for one in particular. I knew that we both couldn’t continue our relationship as it was once each of us got married. With that conviction, I initiated a conversation with her to let her know how I felt about her. It was nerve racking to open a conversation with her knowing I might lose a dear friend. Her feelings were not reciprocal, and this reality unfortunately caused our relationship to slowly drifted apart.
Ultimately, distancing myself from good female friends created space for me to pursue my eventual wife, Stephanie. I don’t think I’d have been free to fully pursue Stephanie if I hadn’t addressed things with my friend from college. Now that I’ve been married for a while, I’m convinced that having close relationships with the opposite sex threatens the integrity of your marriage relationship.
Marriage offers an unlimited supply of difference. In our best days, we humans have a difficult time sacrificing our own needs for the needs of others. Conflicts happen when selfish behaviors show up. When we have another relationship that we can escape to (regardless if there is romantic intent or not), it will always threaten the trust and foundation of marriage.
Building trust in your marriage
I counseled some friends a few years ago who were young in their marriage, and the topic of the wife’s best friend, who was a man, continued to surface. She saw nothing wrong with her relationship with this friend because he lived 1500 miles away, and in her mind there was nothing sexual, romantic, or inappropriate. She wasn’t feeling anything for this other guy that was wrong. But her behavior was totally undoing any semblance of trust that she and her husband were trying to build. On any given week, she spent hours on the phone with her friend talking about life and marriage.
Problems in their marriage arose when the husband found out that the wife would call her best friend after a big fight. When these fights happened, she would essentially leave the marriage to be comforted by her friend, another man. Left unaddressed, these seeds she was planting with her best friend would ultimately lead to the failure of the marriage. However, through some difficult hours of conversations, she heard her husband’s pleas and ended the relationship with her best friend.
Good and healthy marriages are built on trust. Trust is built when there are fractures in the relationship, and the two of you partner together to repair those cracks, holes and wounds. You cannot build trust with your spouse if you are finding comfort and pleasure with someone of the opposite sex.
Affairs happen every day. There are marriages that you know today that are currently dealing with this kind of a betrayal. Don’t create an easy path to have an affair later in life by stoking the fire of close friendships with someone of the opposite sex.
You cannot isolate yourself from relating with the opposite sex, but you can put in some boundaries that will keep these relationships from getting out of hand. Here are some suggestions:
1. Talk and share openly with your spouse about the friendships you currently have.
Are there friends that you feel drawn or connected to, and are afraid to tell your spouse? Honesty is always the best policy.
My wife and I share openly about dreams we have at night, interactions with friends and concerns we have for each other or ourselves in regards to our friends. Some of these conversations are touchy and hard to have but they are worth it in the long run. I show care and love by humbly telling my wife these things. It communicates to her that I’m concerned for her well being as it relates to relationships I have with others.
2. Come up with amicable boundaries for the two of you.
How much interaction is each of you ok with? What about meals, job events, car rides, etc?
I never, ever, have an evening alone with any woman other than my wife. Be it dinner, a movie, a sporting event or anything else. Being with someone at night carries way more romantic implications than doing the same thing during the day. Even if there are no intentions of anything other than an enjoyable evening, this is like playing with fire. Playing with fire will get you burned.
3. Discuss Facebook, ex’s and internet interactions.
Facebook is increasingly popular in being cited as the legal reason why a divorce is being filed. On Facebook, you have a vast array of relationships that you can rekindle in a matter of hours. It’s easy, safe, and worst of all, private. Unfriend your ex, don’t engage and interact with friends you’re physically or emotionally attracted to.
4. Return home to your spouse when you want to go away.
When conflict happens, promise each other that you will not run to someone else for comfort. Promise that you’ll return home to deal with the conflict with each other. This principle will be one of the best things you can commit to that will build your relationship.
Addressing other relationships needs to be a mainstay in your marriage. As with all of life, we cannot protect ourselves from difficult situations. This is no different. There is no hard-line rule that will work for everyone, which makes it even more important for you and your spouse to work together and engage with each other. Marriage is a team sport, and this is game time.
