One concern that seriously dating couples and newlyweds often express is about how to forgive.
I’ve honestly tried to let go and forgive,” they say, “but as soon as I see the person again or the same issue arises, I get upset all over again and the bad emotions return. Does this mean I haven’t forgiven the person?”
While we often expect forgiveness to be easy or instantaneous, the truth is it can be a real struggle at certain times. Forgiveness is not only a choice we make but a process we move through. Instead of a once-and-done deal, forgiveness usually includes lots of little forgivenesses along the way. It’s normal to have negative feelings pop up toward those who’ve hurt us—especially when we often interact with them.
Try doing these four things next time you struggle to forgive:
- Acknowledge you need to forgive and confess that to God. I might tell God something like this: “I’m really hurt about this. I know I should forgive, but I’m having trouble even wanting to forgive. Forgive me for wanting to get even. Forgive me for my part in the situation.”
- Ask God for the strength to do what is right. I might say, “Lord, please give me the desire to forgive and the strength to follow through.”
- Pray for the person who hurt you. Think about your spouse and pray for their needs, including things that do and don’t relate to the situation.
- Do good to that person. Decide on something you can do for your dating partner or spouse to bring compassion, helpfulness, and gentleness back into the situation. Often when we take a small step of compromise, we find the other person will respond with a step of their own. But even if they don’t, our emotions usually follow our behavior. When we do something kind, we will find that our hearts begin to soften toward the other person.
When you come face-to-face with someone who hurt you, turn to God for help. If necessary, repeat the above four steps as often as it takes.
I love what legendary football coach Tom Landry said:
Setting a goal is not the main thing. It is deciding how you will go about achieving it and staying with the pain.”
If your goal is to forgive, then you may go through some excruciatingly painful moments when you don’t feel like letting go of your desire for revenge. Despite those feelings, choose to stay in the process and remember forgiveness is not a feeling. Your character and your marriage will grow stronger with every act of forgiveness.
