“I refuse to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I need to be strong, and get on with my life,” Sam said after losing a considerable amount of money.
After Allison’s best friend was killed, she said, “I wanted to be left alone–to sort things out. But my husband kept calling me at work and stayed by my side in the evenings. Friends kept calling or stopping by unexpectedly.”
“It’s been five months since my husband died.” Whitney sighed. “I feel so alone, and I think people have forgotten about me. If only someone would call or invite me out.”
Despite a recent job loss, Jack stated, “Sure it’s tough. But these things have a way of working out. Lately, I spend most of my time fishing. I’m glad my wife understands.”
Although each one of these four people encountered difficult and stressful situations, their responses to their troubles were quite distinct. When a loved one faces a personal difficulty or tragedy, it’s important that we recognize that different personalities have different needs. To support our spouse or close friend, we need to comfort and support them in the way that fits their personality.
If the challenge is difficult for both partners, it is even more important for us to understand that our spouse’s needs may be different from our own. What they want may be quite different from what we want done for us. Let’s look at four distinctions to help understand personality difference: Sanguine, Melancholy, Choleric, and Phlegmatic.
The Popular Sanguine
People with the Popular Sanguine personality are outgoing, fun-loving, and full of energy. Their basic desire in life is to have fun. They like attention, affection, and approval, which can be supplied by lots of visitors, flowers, cards, and calls. A simple note tucked in a bedroom drawer or put on their car dash could say, “I’m looking forward to taking you to the new Italian restaurant.” Your thoughtful note and action could be just what they need.
The Perfect Melancholy
The opposite of the Popular Sanguine is the Perfect Melancholy. This is my personality, and I tend to be neat, meticulous, sensitive, and organized. While the extroverted Sanguine is recharged around people, the introverted Melancholy, like me, is energized by solitude. We enjoy silence and space to be alone with our thoughts and emotions. We desire a feeling of warmth and sensitivity in our relationships and are happiest with good doses of well-spaced company rather than a steady stream of guests. Something you could write on a card for your Melancholy spouse might be, “You’re in my prayers. May God’s comfort and love surround you during this difficult time.”
The Powerful Choleric
Powerful Cholerics are strong, dynamic, natural-born leaders. Their basic desire is for control. They crave a sense of achievement as well as appreciation for the challenges they’re facing. During troubling times, if they are able, they will work hard at gaining an upper hand on the problem. If that approach isn’t successful, they will pour themselves into their jobs, start a new project, or exercise harder. When life gets stressful, Cholerics like to be provided with choices that help them regain a sense of control. A handwritten note for them might say, “I’m cheering for you! If anyone can deal with this challenge it’s you and the Lord.”
The Peaceful Phlegmatic
Peaceful Phlegmatics are easy-going, likeable, balanced people. Emotionally, they prefer peace and quiet. Like the Melancholy, they are recharged by silence and space. Respect and a feeling of worth for who they are, rather than what they have done, is important to them. During stressful times, it is not unusual to find the Phlegmatic spacing out in front of the TV, taking a nap, reading, or fishing. Their personalized message could read, “I’ll take care of dinner and the kids tonight, so you can watch TV alone or do nothing.”
The next time you’re confused about how to show concern for your spouse, don’t be afraid to ask. If they have difficulty telling you, then try to identify their unique personality and use that understanding as a guide. Think about how they handled a past challenge. What they did or didn’t do should give you some clues. For instance, did they:
- prefer moments of light-hearted distraction in the midst of their trouble?
- need quiet moments to be alone and sort things through?
- work more or exercise longer?
- prefer the opportunity to withdraw from life and just rest?
Caring enough to respond to your spouse’s individual needs can be the difference between adding to the hurt and supporting them through the difficulty.
*This article was adapted from Taking Out Your Emotional Trash
