Sir Winston Churchill once poignantly observed that,
We make a living by what we get; but we make a life by what we give.”
As implied by the meaning of service, the idea of giving is central to the Christian life. Indeed, it’s what makes a life in God most visible to others. It’s not surprising then that giving to one another is also critical for effective, healthy conflict resolution in relationships. That’s especially true for conflicts in marriage. Resolving conflict between one another offers, in fact, three specific opportunities to give:
1. Provide attention to the concerns of your partner.
How many of us become threatened by the opposing views of our spouses, as if their differing positions somehow invalidate our own? When this is the case, we stop listening (or, at least, listening accurately), and instead become defensive and strike back, usually with the elevated voice of anger. We seem to ignore the time-honored principle that…
There is an inverse proportional relationship between the decibel level of our voice and the credibility of our message!”
The ensuing battle of words is typically followed by a furious silence that creates a wedge in the relationship. If this happens often, that wedge can rapidly become a chasm, which threatens the viability of the marriage.
All that most people want in any relationship is to be validated; that is, to know that their ideas, their preferences, their opinions—their person—really matters. They can much more readily accept other views when they know that their own are respected. Validating your spouses does not mean that you necessarily agree with them, just that you see that another perspective is valid to have, and that you welcome it as adding richness to the conversation and a new dimension to solving problems or making decisions. This essentially reflects a core biblical message, namely, that we matter to God and that He wants us to matter to one another.
2. Provide assurance that your partner’s concerns will be represented in the final resolution.
Resolving conflict involves reframing it as an opportunity to convert the validated concerns of each spouse into a workable blueprint for reasonable change. To do this means demonstrating suppleness in thinking that, unfortunately, is not all together that common.
Developing this flexibility of thinking is invaluable when it comes to proposing alternative solutions to conflict. And it usually leads to the kind of bonding that comes only from working together to achieve larger, worthwhile goals for the sake of the relationship.
I often suggest the below exercise to couples to help them develop greater flexibility in their thinking when they are generating solutions together. It is much like developing greater flexibility of the body by doing certain exercises in a gym.
Flexible thinking exercise:
Let’s say that the two of you are in the shopping mall and have just sat down on a bench to rest for a moment. At once, you notice a bulging wallet on the floor about 30 feet away. At the same time, you notice a man walk by, stoop down, pick it up, and start rifling through it. You’re thinking he might be getting ready to steal it and you’re trying to think of how to intervene. You continue to watch him closely. Finally, he closes the wallet and you watch as he walks across the mall to the lost and found office and turns it in. The question is, then, why did he do that?
You might first think to yourself, “Wow! You don’t see honesty like that every day!” Maybe it’s true thathonesty is what prompted him to turn in the wallet. But, is there any other explanation that would account for what you witnessed? From there, you are challenged to come up with as many alternative reasons as you can that would satisfy your observation.
For instance, perhaps, the man is a plain clothes officer who routinely picks up things people drop or leave behind…so, it was duty rather than mere honesty that prompted him to do it. Or, possibly he saw you watching him out of the corner of his eye, and so fear of getting caught was his motive. I could go on, but you get the idea.
Try to come up with as many explanations as you can. Commit yourselves as a couple to trying this exercise with any observation you make that has multiple potential explanations (e.g., noticing someone staggering down the street). As an additional benefit, it will help you each to realize how easy it is to jump to conclusions when other reasons are possible for a behavior. In time, this will likely prompt you to think twice about the conclusions (especially the negative ones!) you draw about each other’s behavior.
3. Give yourself fully to following through with the agreed-upon solution.
Follow through with the strategies developed in the problem-solving process. Many couples have difficulty with follow through, and often unwittingly give the message that they are not really committed to making things better. This, of course, creates a whole new set of problems, causing couples to lose heart in any attempt to improve their relationship. Developing staying power is a frequent theme of Scripture (e.g., Jas. 1: 2-4), so that we would do well to take this teaching to heart. After all, isn’t the happiness that God desires for us as couples what matters most?
Each involves, of course, a great deal of humility, sometimes more than we seem to have. But, without humility, there can be little meaningful investment in the relationship.
