As a child Liza learned that love is a feeling that comes and goes. When she was eight, her parents divorced and told her,
We are no longer in love with each other.”
Liza internalized the message that major life decisions, like whether or not to stay married, are based primarily on feelings. When she no longer felt “in love” with her first husband, she incorrectly assumed, like that of her parents, the marriage was over.
Only later, when she was struggling to hang onto her second marriage, did Liza face her intimacy blocker—her belief that love was a feeling that changed. Liza came to understand that true love is more of a decision and a commitment than a feeling.
What Bad Habits, Beliefs, or Messages Have You Internalized?
Think about the things you identified as your intimacy blockers. I define intimacy blockers as any behaviors, patterns, or habits that inhibit our ability to give or receive love. If you haven’t identified your intimacy blockers, read this article: “What Are Your Intimacy Blockers?”
Because Jenn’s father spent most of his time outside of work with either Baseball for Boys, the Explorers, or the Booster Club, Jenn believed she wasn’t valued because she wasn’t a boy. Years later, when Jenn’s husband physically abused her or spent all night at the bar, her parents ignored her complaints, saying, “That’s what people do when they’ve have a bad day—they get nasty. Let him go to the bar.” To her, the unspoken message was that she wasn’t important enough to be protected.
For some of us, whether we are married or single, our wrong beliefs are the result not so much what we learned as much as what we were told by those who mattered most to us. The list of messages that hurt and define us is long, but here are a few with which you may identify:
- “Your brother/sister is smarter (prettier, stronger, nicer, more talented) than you are.”
- “It’s all your fault.”
- “Who cares what you think, your opinions aren’t important.”
- “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
- “Good little girl/boys don’t do that.”
- “Don’t bother—you’ll never get it right,”
What Does Healthy Look Like for You Today?
In light of what you just learned about your past, what changes do you want to make?
Liza changed how she thought about love. She learned to make conscious choices to continue acting in a loving way regardless of her feelings.
While we’ll never reach perfection, healthy is being intentional about healing our past hurts and overcoming lies so we can grow and lovingly connect in our current relationships. As children, we didn’t have the ability to recognize our parents’ flaws. We didn’t understand that they, like everyone on earth, were broken, damaged, or disturbed in some way. Healthy is accepting their humanness.
Healthy is also realizing that there are going to be times when our childhood patterns resurface. We can often avoid that knee-jerk reaction or prevent further damage by being still, praying, and waiting until we can talk things over with someone we trust.
Jenn, whose parents screamed and hit each other, now says,
Healthy for me today is talking things out and not being afraid to express my opinions. It’s also about praying and being part of a supportive community of people where we love and accept each other as the broken people we are. We are all in the process of growing.”
Healthy for some singles is to take the first step toward expressing their honest feelings and setting clear boundaries. Isabella constantly tried to please others and had trouble saying, “No.” Her boyfriend could pressure her into saying “Yes” to something she either had no interest in doing or something that was against her moral convictions. Healthy, for Isabella, was learning to set boundaries and say, “Please don’t pressure me. I really don’t want to do that.”
It can be hard work to overcome the unhealthy habits we’ve learned, but the benefits are worth the effort. Once you recognize your intimacy blockers and heal from those old wounds, you will discover that your relationships become so much richer and more intimate. And isn’t that what we all want?
Note: This is a follow-up article to What Are Your Intimacy Blockers?
Adapted from How NOT to Date a Loser: A Guide to Making Smart Choices
