Before my husband and I got engaged we sought counseling. We read books. We asked each other numerous questions. We set the tone by taking the time to test our relationship emergency broadcast system, and how well we communicated.
I seriously feel as a newlywed asking the tough questions before getting engaged saved our marriage before it had begun.
Because we took the time to discuss how many kids we wanted, where we wanted to live, what was appropriate spending money, and our hopes and dreams for the next five years–there hasn’t been any surprises. At least big surprises.
If you’re a couple who is seriously dating with the intent towards getting engaged, I’d love to know what you’re doing to strengthen your relationship? Do you think pre-engagement counseling matters to the both of you?
Here is a series of questions that my husband wrote for us to go through. It took us a few hourly sessions to go through them all. I hope you and your future spouse find them helpful. Please take your time going through them, and let me know what you think.
34 Pre-Engagement Questions
1. What does this marriage cost you? What do you have to give up? How do you feel about giving that up?
2. What are the boundaries on time? How should time be spent? What if we disagree?
3. Do your mate’s needs always come first?
4. What will sustain you when your mate screws up? Does your theology matter in dealing with conflict?
5. Do you feel your mate is committed to you? How? Do you know your mate is committed to you? How important is it to know they are committed to you? How does this line up with feeling God is committed to you?
6. What things hinder your relationship right now or have?
7. What do you want out of marriage?
8. Do you believe your communion directly affects the health of your marriage? What is your communion with Christ like? What are you doing daily to deepen it?
9. Does having suffering in marriage matter? Does it matter if your marriage has little trial and affliction?
10. Does it matter what others think of your marriage?
11. Do you see your spouse as a separate entity? Why? Is that Biblical? How does it affect your marriage?
12. What does it mean to be yielded to one another?
13. Why has God provided you with a spouse? Does that change anything for you? How so?
14. Does it matter to you how marriage relates to Christ and His Bride?
15. What does it mean to become one flesh? How is this influencing you? Are you still independent? Have you had to give up anything? Does a husband and wife with parallel yet independent ministries matter? What does submission mean?
16. Do you truly believe Christianity is possible?
17. What things will most taint your sex life?
18. What is the importance of openness with your mate? Are there anything’s you cannot discuss? If there were, would you accept that? How does nakedness in sex relate to any of this?
19. Looking the face of two people in love, what tells you they are in love?
20. What does being married to Christ entail for you? In what ways are you falling short of this? How do you expect your spouse to help you in this? What if they don’t or can’t?
21. Can you progress in your union with Christ while your mate does not?
22. Does a successful marriage or satisfying marriage top your list of desires in your marriage? What do you want your marriage to ultimately be?
23. Does your spouses salvation at all depend on you? Define the Christian lifestyle you want your spouse to see in you?
24. What things do you believe sex are intended to teach us in marriage?
25. What does it mean for the husband to be the head of the house?
26) How does being able to reconcile in a marriage affect ministry?
27. What distracts you from cleaving to your mate?
28. How are you investing in the life of your mate?
29. How does Christian community affect marriage? What if it is wishy-washy, bland and fake? What if it is real? Can you distinguish between the two? Are you willing to change to accommodate in this area?
30. Can you say your mate sees the God of eternity in you? How so?
31. Is “kinky” (inappropriate or impure) sex in marriage permissible? Why or why not?
32. What if you feel called to something but your mate does not?
33. What will bring the greatest joy to your marriage?
34. Does compatibility matter? What does it mean to be compatible? Is your response in line with Scripture?
