Lisa was an attractive, athletic, 38-year-old paralegal who worked for a very prestigious law firm. It appeared as though she had everything going for her. She was pretty, stayed in shape, had plenty of friends and lived the good life in her uptown condo with her loyal Labrador retriever named “Buddy.” Lisa had done what the world and the church teach to do to be successful. She made great money, attended church regularly, had an accountability group and went to a singles Bible study every week. She even went on a mission trip with her church youth group once a year. Yet, amidst all of her success, and flurry of activities, she found herself frustrated and lonely. Although she had a life filled with career, success and friends, still she felt something was missing. Lisa wanted a companion, someone to walk beside her through life’s struggles, she wanted to get married but her fear and skepticism about marriage got in the way of this happening. Lisa finally came to counseling after hearing us speak on a local radio station about why singles are afraid to marry.
With so many of my friends and family getting divorced, how can I be sure that this won’t happen to me?” “I have been so hurt in relationships in the past, how can I keep from getting hurt in the future?” “Why don’t guys ask girls out anymore and what’s happened to courtship?” And finally, “Do soul mates even exist and is there one for me?”
These are just a few questions that filled Lisa’s head and singles have been asking them to Christian relationship counselors for the past decade. During this time, the singles population in America has grown to be the largest in its history. As our nation’s singles have grown larger and older, other countries such as Korea and Singapore have followed this alarming Western trend.
You’re Not the Only One
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the number of singles has more than quadrupled in the last thirty years. In 1970 there were only 21.4 million singles. In the 2000 census that figure has risen to a whopping 81 million. In fact, the 2006 American Community Survey shows that the number of singles may be passing the 100 million mark.
At Rutgers University, the National Marriage Project dedicated an entire issue of their 2002 State of Our Unions Report to the study of why so many men ages 25-35 are choosing not to get married. Their findings showed that men wanted to be established in a career, they could get plenty of sex outside of marriage, and saw marriage as the final step in growing up and they did not want to take that step, to name a few. The Center for Disease Control’s July, 2002 report featured statistics showing that the marriage rate is dropping, and cohabitation and non-married co-parenting partnerships are on the rise, creating concern for social scientists. A 2002 Time Magazine cover showed a single mom with her son and a caption, “The New American Family.” The article touted the census findings and used this growing cultural trend to show that the nation is giving up on marriage. Even with the presidential push to use government money to promote marriage, our nation still has a long way to go to encourage singles to take the plunge.
The Christian community is not immune to this cultural phenomenon, with singles groups in local churches being one of the fastest growing populations. These people are not just numbers on an ever-increasing demographics chart, and while some are choosing to be single for good reasons, many are skeptical singles who desire a soul mate but have to overcome the reasons why they stay single in order to find one.
As Christian counselors for the past twenty-seven years, we have treated countless searching singles. As the nation’s singles population is growing, so is their skepticism about marriage. This has created concern for social scientists who feel that marriage is the foundation for culture and society. It restrains self centeredness, and prepares people for community. This trend also has caused concern among theologians who believe that marriage is the earthly replication of the spiritual relationship between humanity and God. These groups worry that singles might be missing a deeply spiritual experience that is foundational to our culture and faith.
That being said, we believe that there is nothing wrong with being single. Many singles today are staying single because they do not feel like they need a partner to be fulfilled. We believe that one is a whole number, and that this is a healthy move for them. We support these contented singles, as they joyfully “fly solo” and set their “table for one,” and feel good about it. Some people even feel that they are called to be single, and for this reason, they should not be treated like second-class citizens by pastors, church groups, or counselors.
However, there are many singles who desire to be married, but cannot seem to get over the fears and concerns that stand in their way. In our book The Singlehood Phenomenon: Ten Brutally Honest Reasons People Aren’t Getting Married we address many of their concerns and fears. Here are just a few of those reasons:
1. The High Divorce Rate
Half of all Gen Xers come from divorced homes. Statistics show that adult children of divorced parents, or acodp’s as we call them, are high risk for divorce themselves. They also have common wounds such as insecurity in relationships, inability to trust, fear of doom, and poor role models for conflict resolution. In their homes resolution was dissolution and they do not want to repeat these patterns.
Jen Abbas in her book, Generation Ex: Adult Children of Divorce and the Healing of Our Pain says, “Even though I was successful academically and professionally, I found myself becoming more insecure each year about my emotional abilities. As I began to see my friends marry, I started to question my ability to successfully create and maintain intimate relationships, especially my own future marriage… I was paralyzed because what I wanted so desperately was that which I feared the most.”
Christian counselors can do a great deal to help singles overcome their fear of marriage by teaching them relationship skills and guiding them to resources that help them build healthy relationships. The Covenant Marriage Movement, along with AACC are just a few of the places we can direct fearful singles for help.
2. Confusion About the Rules of Dating
Singles report that they are confused about the rules of dating and that courtship has been replaced by hanging out and hooking up. Men don’t lead and women don’t follow, and therefore in many groups singles do not date at all. This leaves them vulnerable and confused, not knowing what they are doing, so they give up. We have developed a method of dating called Intentional Dating, which is a balance between the marriage-focused courtship of the past that is greatly ritualized and must be approved by parents, and the casual, recreational dating done today. Intentional daters commit to work on several things:
- Seek God with all their heart and find the mate He has in mind for them.
- Be the healthiest single person that they can be.
- Examine their dating patterns and submit them to the Lord.
- Strive to have integrity, speak the truth, and declare their intentions in all of their relationships, especially those with the opposite sex.
- Guard their heart and soul sexually and surrender their sexual desires to the Lord. Many of our single clients find peace and success dating in this fashion.
3. A Negative Stigma About the Nature and Purpose of Marriage
Traditional marriage is under attack in our culture, as singles today doubt the relevance of matrimony. Michael Craven of the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families says,
Across America the institution of marriage is being assailed, reduced to nothing more than a sentimental ceremony between consenting adults, radically redefined, or simply abandoned altogether.”
As Christian counselors we can teach singles that marriage is not obsolete. It is an institution designed by God, who was present at the first wedding, and the myriad of marriage ceremonies that have followed since. We need to teach singles that marriage is not about getting it is about giving. It is a crucible that involves sacrifice. Surrender and sacrifice are words that are foreign to this narcissistic generation, and Christian counselors can work to change this by giving singles a Godly notion of matrimony.
Relationship expert John Gray says,
In spiritual terms the desire to be married is our soul remembering the sacred promise we are here to keep. It is God’s will within us being felt…Making marriage work is the fulfillment of one of the soul’s higher purposes.”
The disintegration of marriage is a key social concern and must be addressed by Christian counselors as they help singles overcome the fears that keep them from their soul’s higher purpose.
Lisa, our fearful paralegal, did overcome her fear of matrimony, and three years and a set of twins later, she is happy she did.
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(1) U. S. Bureau of the Census, “Household, Families, Marital Status and Living Arrangements” (Washington DC: Department of Vital Statistics, United States Government Printing Office, 2004), http://factfinder.censusgov./servlet/ACSSAF.
(2) David Pompenoe and Barbara Whitehead, “Why Men Can’t Commit,” The State of Our Unions Report (New Brunswick, NJ: Rutgers, 2002), 7-15.
(3) Centers for Disease Control, “Cohabitation, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage in the United States” 23 (22) (Hyattsville, MD: Department of Health and human Services, 2002), 2.
(4) Beverly and Tom Rodgers, The Singlehood Phenomenon: Ten Brutally Honest Reasons Singles Aren’t Getting Married (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 2006.
(5) Beverly and Tom Rodgers, Adult Children of Divorced Parents: Making Your Marriage Work (San Jose: Resource Publications, 2002).
(6) Jen Abbas, Generation Ex: Adult Children of Divorce and the Healing of Our Pain (Colorado Springs, CO: Waterbrook, 2004), 1.
(7) S. Michael Craven, Why Is Marriage Important? The Reasonable Defense of Marriage (Cincinnati: National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families, 2003) [Brochure] 2.
(8) John Gray, Mars and Venus on a Date (New York: Harper Collins, 1997) 128-129.
