I stumbled across an anonymous note online: “Future husband, today was hard, and the only way I got through it was thinking of you. I know you are out there and would want me to keep going no matter the pain.”
Aw, shucks. That’s kind of sweet that she’s writing about her hope in finding her future husband.
Except that she’s writing about her hope in finding her future husband.
This brought to mind my every-once-in-a-while mental debate over whether praying and writing to a someday-spouse is a good thing.
Like a lot of Christian girls, I was given a special journal when I was a teen for writing letters to my future husband. I started writing a letter, got annoyed, and gave up. Trying to think of what to say to him was dumbfounding–I could only think of “warning” him of my weaknesses, and daydreaming about something that was truly very far-off. (Heh, it’s probably still far-off. But that’s beside the point.) After a while, it made me feel uncomfortable, so I stopped.
Since then I’ve run across the occasional teen magazine article or tumblr post addressed “To my future husband.” And now I think I’ve figured out why it rubs me wrong:
You’re assuming you have a future husband.
Don’t get me wrong–most people will marry. And most people should think ahead of time so they can be preparing (in wisdom) for marriage. But assuming that there’s a future husband out there can also be dangerous; it can skip the part where we evaluate what God wants for us. If you’re like me, assuming I have a future husband can also mean you assume exactly when he’ll show up in your life; it can mean that once you hit a certain birthday, that you peer behind every corner for your future husband. So while it’s romantic, it can be exhausting, discouraging, and suck the joy out of Life Right Now. Not necessarily. But it can.
Tatemae and Honne.
Those are two words in Japanese having to do with belief. Tatemae means what you say you believe. Honne refers to your actual beliefs. They’re two words that directly apply here.
Even if you give mental assent to the fact that people aren’t dependable; even if you believe that God should be the center of your universe–it’s only “tatemae” if you still draw breath because, maybe, just maybe your future spouse is alive and kicking.
Your honne will show through your actions. If you find yourself leaping out of bed in the morning with the hope that maybe it’s today that your future spouse will show up, then perhaps your honne isn’t that Christ will give your life meaning.
I’m not blaming this problem on writing letters to a future spouse, but it can certainly stem from the same over-preoccupation with *ahem* husband-hunting. God didn’t design you to get all your fulfillment from reading the Bible and prayer. Don’t click away just yet. I’m not as unorthodox as you think.
You long to be around someone who will love and “do life” with you? You’re itching to get married because maybe then you won’t feel so alone? That’s natural. You were wired that way. Don’t doubt it–it’s written all over early-Genesis.
But you don’t need to wait for your wedding day to step into being known. The community of God isn’t just meant to be the that-Sunday-thing we all go to because it’s part of our culture. Those people are meant to be tight. They’re meant to be your mentors, and for you to mentor them. Don’t wait for a future spouse to provide your accountability, friendship, and company. Rub shoulders with other people of God. That’s what they’re there for. Don’t forget that gift.
Prayers for Your Future Spouse
Recently, I stumbled over another blog. A guy wrote that a day hasn’t passed that he hasn’t prayed for his future wife. Someone else wrote that they pray their future spouse is growing right now in gospel-centeredness–that they right now are basking in the love God has for them. And, aww, shucks–that’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever read.
Maybe there’s a right way to do this after all.
