Today, more than ever, marriages are threatened by extra-marital affairs. Such heartache is as old as history itself. The Bible is filled with accounts of those (including God’s own servants) who were lured into adultery. Indeed, King Solomon (whose father had the most famous affair of them all) wrote many of his Proverbs with the seduction of adultery in mind.
Even though any betrayal is devastating to an intimate relationship, not all affairs are the same. In fact, there are at least five distinctly different types of affairs that can occur. So, let’s break them down and then see how we can prevent them.
First, there is the exit affair. This affair is intended to provide the grounds for ending a relationship. Usually, the offending spouse carelessly leaves clues to the extramarital activity because he or she actually wants the betrayal to be discovered. The hope is that such a discovery will prompt the betrayed spouse to file for divorce… an outcome that the offender seeks without having to bear the stigma of initiating it him or herself. This kind of affair reveals a truly hardened heart, the kind which Jesus spoke of when He was answering the Pharisees’ question as to why Moses allowed them to divorce their wives (Matt. 19: 7-9). It was never what God wanted, of course, but unrepentant sin often so corrupts a relationship as to render it beyond redemption.
The second type of affair is the revenge affair. This kind of affair is more likely to occur when a spouse has shoved everything under the rug and is sitting on a pile of unresolved anger and resentment. Instead of talking about what bothers them, these types of spouses simply bury their feelings in order to avoid any conflict. What they can’t avoid is the resentment that builds up underneath. Once it becomes sufficiently intense, and they feel the full measure of alienation, they become increasingly vulnerable to some kind of retaliation, including a secret affair. Such an affair is usually not intended to end the relationship, but rather to satisfy the thirst for revenge, to “prove” to themselves that they deserve better treatment and can find it elsewhere. However, once the resentment is expressed and the betrayal is discovered, they are often remorseful and seek to prevent a divorce. Sometimes, that effort comes too late.
The problem is that, besides the Mosaic Law which condemns adultery, the apostle Peter rebuked any expression of revenge, however justified it may seem, and based his rebuke on the example of Jesus himself (1 Pet. 2: 22-23). In other words, the Biblical writers have consistently argued that there are never any acceptable grounds for moral compromise, whatever its form.
The third type of affair is the isolation affair. This kind of affair is more likely to occur in marriages where there is considerable spousal neglect (whether intentional or merely benign). It could be the result of a workaholic husband or wife, or simply the outcome of a relationship that has, for one reason or another, deteriorated into more of a roommate arrangement. Either way, the affair is really a fantasy attempt to recapture the intimacy forfeited in the marriage. The possibility of adultery due to neglect is what the Apostle Paul’s concern was when he cautioned his married readers not to “deprive one another except perhaps by agreement or a set time…. so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of control (1 Cor. 7: 2-5).
In the fourth type of affair, what I call the flattery affair, the offending spouse directly succumbs to the seductive attentions of another. Such flirtation can be tempting to many, but those who are insecure about themselves are particularly vulnerable. They are usually seeking (or, if not seeking, at least reveling in) the attention of others to shore up their lagging sense of adequacy and depressing lack of self-acceptance. That’s why they are such easy prey for that flirtatious member of the opposite sex. In Proverbs 5 and 6, King Solomon addressed the folly of entertaining, even for a moment, such a foolish lapse of moral vigilance, stressing its fleeting character yet life-changing destructive influence.
Finally, there is the problem of what is sometimes called, “sexual addiction”, with its characteristically driven behavior. There is a lack of consensus about the nature of this problem. Some believe it is an addiction in the classic sense of the word. Others believe it may be some form of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Still others are not sure how to categorize it. Hypersexuality can even be a symptom of manic behavior in bipolar disorder. One thing we do know: “Sexual addiction” involves a pattern of repeated sexual relationships with a succession of different lovers. Needless to say, when this behavior defines a marital partner, the marriage is in serious trouble. Indeed, it violates the core principle of unity in intimacy that Jesus taught when he was confronting the morally corrupt hypocrisy of first-century Jewish culture (Matt. 19: 5-6).
So what is the best preventative strategy you can use to “affair-proof” your marriage?
Marriage is, first and foremost, a spiritual commitment. This means that a couple must make their spiritual lives central to their marriage. To the extent that they fail to intentionally seek God’s guidance, both individually and together, they place themselves at risk for sin to have its inherently damaging effects on their relationship.
Secondly, couples need to explicitly review how they process anger and conflict in the relationship and to determine if they need some help in handling it differently. Simply pushing resentments underground is not only unhealthy for the marriage, but it makes each partner more vulnerable to self-destructive choices, including those that lead to having an affair. This is especially true for partners who have had a troubled history, including depression, before marriage.
Having honest discussions about how they handle dissension can be enormously liberating for a couple. But such honesty is also threatening to those who have spent most of their lives avoiding transparency as though it would open them up to major emotional injury. Their early life experience has taught them all too well to run the other way when conflict is involved. That doesn’t change the fact, however, that silence (or even indirect communication) can cause great damage to a relationship.
A third step a couple can take is to deliberately cultivate both their emotional and physical intimacy. Many husbands make the mistake of appearing interested in physical closeness only when they want sex. This behavior treats their wives as objects and tells them that their mates are not interested in emotional intimacy, only in physical gratification. As one wife told me, “I almost feel like a prostitute in my own marriage…. when he touches me, I always know what he wants”.
Again, that’s why Jesus taught the “oneness” of emotional and physical intimacy. He knew that you could have sex without intimacy just as you can have intimacy without sex. Only when they are combined is true satisfaction and fulfillment found in marriage.
In the end, fidelity is a result of commitment to strong spiritual values, together with a continuously cultivated intimate relationship. When you begin to take your marriage for granted, or when you fail to periodically review together the health of your marriage, you will find yourselves on dangerous ground. Indeed, it can be a recipe for nasty surprises.
