Shannon Ethridge is the best-selling author of the Every Woman’s Battle books on sexual integrity, and The Sexually Confident Wife, among other titles. In addition to being a writer, she is a speaker, lay counselor and advocate for sexual integrity with a master’s degree in counseling/human relations from Liberty University. She has spoken to youth, college students and adults since 1989. In the following interview, she speaks on the issue of internal infidelity, also known as emotional affairs.
Jocelyn Green: What is your definition of an emotional affair?
Shannon Ethridge: When a woman finds herself going out of way to get a man’s attention to have ego stroked by him, when she seeks to get affirmation from him other than God. This is very common in women, but it’s a myth that men are only physically stimulated, not emotional, and women vice versa. Which drive is primary could be determined by gender.
If it’s not physical, is it innocent?
It means you have crossed the line. You can be attracted to someone and that is innocent. Just because you’re attracted doesn’t mean that you’ve defiled yourself, it’s when you’re acting on it, trying to make it your own.
What’s the danger of allowing an emotional attachment?
Wherever a woman’s heart goes, her body will long to follow. The idea that’s its totally innocent, is deceiving. Eventually she is going to want to be physical with him, that’s how we humans are made. The more attached, the more overwhelming the longing to be physical.
God says above all else, guard your heart (not your body). I can’t help but think he was referring to emotional affairs. Our hearts are so entangled it can be more destructive than a physical affair. One woman said her husband had sex, but had no emotion, so they didn’t fall in love.
What are some warning signs that you may be starting an emotional affair?
Obsessing over the person, thinking about him or her far too often, going out of one’s way to get person’s attention. Making up excuses to run into or call the person.
Stop contact cold turkey if possible. Not everyone is in a situation where they can do that. If it’s a neighbor or co-worker, for example, it will take time to diffuse that attachment. I do think you can draw emotional boundaries, reel thoughts in, purify relationships. Maintain healthy boundaries. If you find yourself crossing boundaries over and over, then take drastic measures.
What affect does an emotional affair have on the marriage relationship? On the kids?
The wife starts comparing in her mind the new guy with her husband, for example, thinking of ways her husband doesn’t measure up. She becomes discontent, her husband can’t please her. It wears away trust, intimacy, passion. And it’s a very unfair comparison. No man who you’ve lived with for some time can measure up to a sweaty palm-butterfly feeling. That new feeling isn’t intimacy, it’s intensity. When that wears off, intimacy develops.
When there is tension in a marriage, kids see it. That’s going to have an effect on them. All kids want parents to feel loved.
Why do people get involved in emotional affairs? What is the attraction?
It’s the feeling. Being desired by someone feels empowering. Being attractive to another person. So much of it is based on ego, vanity, insecurity. If we don’t believe we are beautiful (or handsome) by ourselves, if we don’t believe who we are in Christ, we start looking for love in all the wrong places.
We can never place the burden of responsibility on our spouse’s shoulders to be our all in all. The emotional affair is not your spouse’s issue, it’s your issue. He didn’t drag you there, he probably didn’t push you there. We have to take responsibility for our own actions. We’ll either turn our energy to husband or outside the marriage.
Is it possible to have a one-sided emotional affair with a fictional character or a celebrity?
Absolutely. That’s the fantasy life. Not all fantasies are wrong, God gave us the ability to fantasize within God’s boundaries, but when we use that to fuel ungodly desires, that’s where we cross the line. I would say 50-80 percent of emotional affairs are one-sided. Does that mean it’s not tearing away at intimacy with the husband? It probably is. The wife is still comparing.
For more about Shannon, visit her Web site at www.shannonethridge.com.
