My first date was in a foreign country. Mecco was tall (well, taller than me), dark, and handsome, and he spoke about eleven words of English. It was just an informal date; I was working with a ministry team in the Dominican Republic leading Vacation Bible School, and to celebrate the end of our time there, the Dominicans and Americans were having a dinner and talent night together.
Preparations were ceremonious; they did it every year for the VBS volunteers. The church that was hosting us set up long tables that would be filled with spicy dishes and desserts, we practiced skits and songs for the talent show, and the boys nervously asked the girls if they could be our “escort.” We were told this would be a fancy affair; so while the girls tried their best to curl their hair despite the humidity in the church basement, the boys ironed their dress pants and shined their shoes.
The Dominican boys all lived outside the church compound, so we waited on the church steps for our escorts to come and meet us. Finally we saw them, marching together down the long dirt road from the town into the church compound. My date went all out, wearing a full white suit. And then, offering their arms to each of us, we walked into the church to take our seats.
The rest of the evening, Mecco was a gentleman, telling me I looked nice in Spanish, pulling out my chair for me, but our interaction was still limited by the language barrier. The most we could do is muddle through a few, broken sentences of conversation, and laugh with each other as we watched the talent show.
Love is Cross-Cultural
Sometimes I still feel like this in my marriage—limited in our mutual understanding, a little confused, and afraid of miscommunicating. Even though I’m married to an American man who shares the same culture as me, marriage can sometimes feel like a cross-cultural experience.
Culture is an integrated pattern of human values, beliefs, behaviors, and social form in a collective community, which play out in daily life. A culture is also defined by what its community deems important and valuable. So when we’re talking male and female, we’re talking two distinctly different cultures, with two different sets of values, beliefs, behaviors, etc. With so many differences, informed not only by our personal make-up but also our family history, education, and childhood environment, it’s easy to misunderstand each other.
My dad tells a story of some friends of my parents, who were hit over the head with a crucial difference on their honeymoon. While getting ready to go to the beach one morning, the newlywed wife left her hairbrush on her husband’s dresser. He noticed she had been doing this all week and found it a little annoying, but he asked kindly, “Would you mind not putting your things on my dresser?” Nothing could have prepared him for her reaction. What he considered a simple request sent her bawling. While she was deeply hurt and accused him of not loving her, he was completely baffled by her response, which he considered extreme and unreasonable.
It took some deep and honest discussion for them to identify what was really going on here, but in the end, they learned it had to with their home culture. She was from a big family with siblings who shared everything, there was no personal space or privacy, the whole family did life together. In contrast, he was an only child, with his own room, toys, and the exclusive attention of his parents. To him, leaving the brush on his dresser was an unnecessary infringement. To her, his refusal to share was a personal rejection.
Bridging the Gap
Just like different cultures, men and woman in marriage have different points of reference and different ways of communicating, which is why we sometimes miss each other completely. Have you ever wondered, why does he/she do that? Why does he insist on being 5 minutes early everywhere? Why doesn’t she ever want her picture taken? Instead of making assumptions and judgments on behavior, start asking questions.
To get to the bottom of a disagreement, you will have to be intentional about learning why your spouse acts a certain way, and the innate values behind it. A good place to start is by saying, “I noticed you did this…why?” or “What is so important to you about…?”
At least in my marriage, about 95% of our conflict is sparked from what we thought was meant, rather than what the other actually meant. It’s the classic case of miscommunication: our heart gets lost in translation, and it’s only when we take the time to backtrack and intentionally learn about each other that we begin to bridge the gap.
