Intercultural marriage is on the rise in America. And while our nation has been dubbed the Great Melting Pot, it’s not as simple as that for couples who represent two different countries under one roof. As far as I know, these couples aren’t interested in “melting” their culture down into an unrecognizable slop, just to fit into the new container of their marriage and adopted country. These couples have unique challenges as they navigate remaining true to their own identity while becoming “one” with their spouse.
Below, five spouses from dual-nationality couples share how they make it work, and how others can too. In our discussion, you’ll be hearing from:
- Denisse Pryblyski (Puerto Rican, married to an American), Oceanside, California
- Evangelyn (Indian, married to an American), Fort Campbell, Kentucky
- Wendy Williamson (American, married to an Ecuadorian), Charleston, Illinois
- Jason (American) and Audrey (French) Falck, Minneapolis, Minnesota
If you are not in an intercultural relationship, keep reading anyway! Many of these insights translate to the rest of us, too.
What is the best advice you have for an intercultural couple who is planning to get married? How can they best prepare for the marriage?
Denisse: Learn about each other’s cultures. There is no such thing as a “stupid” question and you don’t know the answer to something if you don’t ask. Make an active effort to learn about the traditions your future wife/husband grew up with.
Audrey: I strongly recommend that the couple gain experience doing life in both countries so they can understand each other better and learn to discern the cultural traits in their spouse. Learning the language (you don’t need to be proficient) is also essential. My husband spent more than five months in France with me, meeting my friends etc… I also visited him in the U.S. twice around Christmas. It’s all about inviting the other into your world.
Wendy: Understand each other’s worldview, culture, and values. Make commitments about how you will approach your marriage and raise your children. Consider extended family and how much of a role they will play in your lives.
Jason: There are certain books and resources that help couples systematically work through the areas of potential difference. Also, I think that both people have to be okay going and living in the other person’s world. For instance, if a woman marries a foreign student studying in the States, it might be great for her as long as they live in the States, but is she okay if she has to move back to his home culture and live according to their customs? In what ways will they compromise at home? Which culture will dominate? How will they respect and honor and pass on the other person’s culture? I also think it’s important to see a counselor, and to talk to other dual-nationality couples. This will provide many good insights and will also help them feel like many of the struggles they are experiencing are normal and can be overcome.
Evangelyn: Talking, communication. We talked a lot about our families and what life growing up was like so we had an understanding of each other’s families and upbringing. We also talked about what we wanted to see in our lives together and what our individual goals were and if they allowed us to be compatible.
What surprised you the most about your intercultural marriage?
Denisse: I have to say the most shocking thing to me that I still remember vividly is when his mother came to visit and she greeted him by giving him a small kiss on the lips. I was furious! How dare he kiss or let his mother kiss him? When he realized how much that really upset me and I explained to him that for me that was just something that you don’t do he talked to his mom and explained how it made me feel. After that, out of respect for my culture and views, they no longer greet each other in this way.
Wendy: My spouse was very sheltered. He had never lived away from his parents and didn’t know much about life or how to manage on his own. I was overburdened with responsibility for both our lives. The fact that his English language skills were very weak made this even more difficult in the first years of our marriage. It was very challenging.
Evangelyn: People tend to remember you. We have gotten a lot of stares. I have noticed that extended family make it a point to talk “proper” when I am around even though I would not be offended by terms they would normally use.
What advice can you share about how to relate to in-laws who are from a different country?
Denisse: Don’t be afraid to ask questions. I remember asking my mother in law, “Why do you do that?” She was shocked that I asked but then happy I did because it didn’t occur to her that it was so unusual to me.
Evangelyn: Learn certain customs. My husband wanted to know what he did that might annoy/offend my parents. Learn the language; it is funny how much of a conversation he can pick up from the little he learned and it shows that he is trying to learn and is willing to make them comfortable. Make an attempt to try their food, find a dish you really like and tell them. It makes them happy knowing they can make you a special dish.
Audrey: It helps to have realistic expectations on what to aim for. Knowing them and being known is good enough. The spouse also has a big role to play in learning how to “handle” family times.
What is your best advice for newlywed intercultural couples?
Jason: Well, the book Your Intercultural Marriage by Marla Alupoaicei is a good one to read before the engagement or wedding. It raises many good questions about potential trouble areas, like money, food, time, religion, etc. As for advice for the newlyweds:
- Don’t get lazy. Continue trying to learn and to look for ways to bless the person who is most outside his/her culture.
- Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. It’s easiest for me to be sympathetic to Audrey when I try to imagine what it would be like for me if we switched places. (She is currently living in my culture, away from her friends, family, and country.)
- Explain things before they happen. Often I forget that when we go to something, whether it’s a work related event or a family event, Audrey does not know what to expect. This makes her feel more uncomfortable than necessary. I need to assume she knows nothing and try to explain as much as possible! I need to discover what she is expecting and correct what’s wrong and help her have an accurate understanding so she can feel prepared.
Audrey: We are newlyweds. Best advice I would give is to make sure you spend enough time together, talking about your goals, desires, how you are experiencing life away from home. Reading marriage books really helps us, especially if you find one you like. What Did You Expect? by Paul David Tripp is good for us. We also see a counselor to help us early on with communication and resolution of conflicts. She specializes in dual-nationality couples.
Wendy: It’s important to come to a common understanding about intimacy, sex, etc. There are vast cultural/religious differences to consider. Be honest and truthful; don’t lie to make a good impression or please the other.
Evangelyn: Be sure to have date nights, you can never have enough of those. Pick and choose from the advice other married couples give you, realizing that sometimes things don’t work the same with intercultural couples. Don’t go to bed angry. Have plenty of sex!
Denisse: Don’t be afraid to ask each other why they do a certain thing. Many times I would get upset at Shane because I just assumed he should have known. When I want to ask something that I am unsure as to how he will react, I usually start the conversation like this: “I noticed you did ____ and we don’t do that where I am from, so why did you do that?” If I don’t understand his explanation I ask him to give me a different example. It’s very important that if you don’t understand the meaning of a word to ask what it means instead of pretending you understood; I learned this the hard way.
What is your favorite thing about your intercultural marriage? What blessings do you have that you wouldn’t if you had married someone from your native culture?
Wendy: We have a very strong family unit. We are both very protective of our children and feel comfortable following our own ways. We are blessed to have the opportunity to travel to other countries, speak Spanish at home, and learn from one another. Culture is incredibly complex, and mixed with individual character, can be difficult to manage in close quarters. It’s important in any marriage to listen, put the other first, and learn together what love is by looking to God.
Audrey: I love being able to live in a world that is bigger than the one I grew up in. I enjoy the freedom to create our own mix of traditions and lifestyle and pass on a new heritage to our children. We are also forced to see each other as a team where we both need to care for the other and help him/her to thrive in a new culture.
Denisse: My favorite thing is game days. I have fun watching the guys during a football game, and seeing how involved they get in the game and talking about the team as if they were a part of it. My girls are blessings and if I would have married someone else I wouldn’t have the children I have right now. I have a twelve-year-old and seven-year-old identical twins; identical twins run in his side of the family. Also, if I would have married someone from my culture I probably wouldn’t have learned English so well and wouldn’t know what country music is. I am sure there are many blessings in disguise that we take for granted.
Jason: Being married to Audrey is a gift. Not only am I growing in understanding another culture and person, I understand myself better. In some ways, it’s like being with a child who is experiencing some things for the first time, and who gets really excited, like when she bought her first Easter basket. There are other times when I’m the one being treated to something new and wonderful, whether it’s food, a way of saying something, or a new perspective. I feel that Audrey gives me a connection to a different world. When she tells me about places she has been in France, the people she knows and family tradition, I feel that these things are now part of my story and the heritage we’ll pass on. We open doors for each other. We help each other become insiders in another world in ways we never would have experienced if we had married someone from our own culture.
Win a set of Engraved toasting flutes from Things Remembered!
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UPDATE: Congratulations to Billie for winning 4/7’s featured giveaways, the Engraved toasting flutes from Things Remembered! The winner has been notified by email, her randomly selected comment was:
I would love to win these glasses. my hubby and I have NEVER had a honey moon, not even a day off work after we got married. We married at 3pm the 17th and went to work the 18th in the morning. We had a small ceremony with his army batallion and went to eat. Thats all. One day, maybe on our 20th anniversary, we can do a real honey moon! only 10 1/2yrs to go!!
