Typically, when a couple marries, each partner eagerly anticipates a safe haven of happiness every bit as captivating as the romance of their courtship. Even if they have had disappointing relationships in the past, they are convinced that, finally, THIS time they will have the relationship they have long dreamed of. So, catapulted by the fanfare of a lovely wedding, they happily embark on the odyssey of a long and satisfying marriage.
But then, somewhere along the way, something happens—sometimes gradually, sometimes rather suddenly. Almost always, it is something unexpected. One of them begins to withdraw emotionally, perhaps physically as well, a change which is as mystifying as it is frightening. At first, it may be seen only in the occasional outburst or in an increasingly noticeable isolation, both of which give rise to loneliness and conflicts over how little time they seem to have together. But, it’s not long before the arguments become more frequent and the solitary times more salient. The silence between them eventually becomes deafening in its stark message of peril to their marriage.
The one who withdrew in the beginning seems to inexorably become a mere shadow of what he or she once was, resulting in an unbearable emptiness for both of them. Where there was once vibrant intimacy, there are now two souls wandering in a desert of pain. Not surprisingly, there is profound despair and confusion, perhaps even the unthinkable fears of an affair. But, at its core, lies the belief that their once cherished love has inexplicably vanished without so much as a hint as to why. Each day seems to bring with it more emotional distance and greater sadness. Conversation is reduced to the bare minimum.
Their communication becomes limited to desperate pleas for some kind of change or demands for an explanation. Anything to clear the air, to identify what’s happening. Eventually, if this should fail—and it often does—the futility of the effort prompts them to lapse into a hopeless, but silent grief over the loss of a dream.
Have you ever wondered (or feared) whether this might happen to you? Have you seen anything like this happen to others? If so, have you ever questioned why— how could this kind of thing happen? Well, sometimes the answer can be found in a marriage short-circuited by an episode of major depression. Indeed, it may be only the latest expression of a recurrent depression, the history of which was the cause for denial during their courtship—you know, one of those red flags that was never explored during that blissful period before marriage. In any case, intimacy can seem far more fragile at this point than either of them originally thought.
Recently, a young Christian couple married only a year arrived at my office in a state of such disillusionment that they were already talking about the possibility of separation. John, the husband, had so withdrawn from Emily, his wife, that he barely talked to her, preferring instead to immerse himself in the world of computer games. He was upset that Emily kept badgering him to be more involved in their relationship, which he felt had become a responsibility he could no longer face. He believed himself to be a failure in every aspect of his role as a husband, especially in his ability to make his wife happy. “No matter what I do, she’s never satisfied,” he said, shrugging his shoulders, “I don’t bring home enough money; I don’t do enough around the house, and she says I’m a disappointment in the intimacy department too. So, what’s the point?”
For her part, Emily felt abandoned. Instead of doing things together, they seemed to do everything apart. Sex was not what she thought it would be because her husband seemed, emotionally, completely disengaged. The emotional intimacy, which she had considered so important, was almost entirely missing for her. “I’m so lonely,” she said through a veil of tears. “I just want to be close, but all John seems to want to do is sit at the computer. What happened to all of our romance?”
Neither of them seemed to be aware that John had become depressed even before the decline of their marriage; it became only more profoundly evident after the quarreling began. After graduating from college with high hopes of a great career, the economy had collapsed and the only job he could get was an entry-level janitorial position. He felt humiliated because all of his life his father had pounded into his head the idea that he would never amount to anything. It seemed to him that his father’s prophecy was actually coming true. Compounding the problem was the fact that he and Emily were financially strapped and increasingly behind in paying their bills. This was a constant worry for Emily, whose family had always stressed thrift and strict accountability.
Making things worse, John hated his job, but his abysmally low self-esteem kept him trapped in the belief that it was useless to even look elsewhere. Unfortunately, he failed to share any of these feelings with Emily, fearing she would think even less of him than he thought she already did. Underneath, he wanted to run away from it all. And, indeed, emotionally he had.
So what had happened was not so mysterious after all. John’s depression, serious as it was, had cast a cloud over their marriage, leaving Emily wondering what she had done wrong. Emily had not responded well to his withdrawal, accusing John of failing to live up to his responsibilities to her. This, of course, only further fueled his depression. In short, it had become an endless vicious cycle, leaving them both emotionally exhausted and ready to quit.
Many couples do not understand their problems in terms of the consequences of depression, principally because they don’t readily recognize the symptoms. Instead, they view their troubles through the very personal prism of mutual rejection. In other words, they believe their spouses simply don’t love them anymore. They may not know the reasons why, but they are usually not short of theories that they think are true.
However, the reality is that withdrawal, angry outbursts (and accusations), moodiness, sleeplessness, loss of interest, persistent exhaustion, and sometimes excessive guilt or various physical complaints are all part of the larger picture of depression. It’s not about fidelity to marital promises as much as it is about feelings of personal failure or unworthiness in fulfilling those promises. It’s about the dark world of helplessness, that trapped feeling where all options seem to lead to dead ends. It’s further complicated by the fact that, in marriage, depression in one partner often spawns depression in the other, so that neither is in a position to respond in helpful ways. The result is two depressed people with little energy left to seek change, least of all, a creative solution.
It’s important to remember that the emotional pain of depression, like physical pain, is actually an alarm system designed to alert you to the persistence of unidentified problems that, if left unaddressed, can become increasingly destructive to you and to your relationships. True to the character of any alarm system, its purpose is to protect you from further damage. How? By directing your attention to the need for healing—whether that means examining past wounds, exploring present conflicts, dealing with persistent sin, or treating dysfunctional biology. Sometimes it involves all of these things. Only when the underlying problem is resolved are we then in a position to effectively tackle the response patterns in the marriage.
For many Christians, however, knowing that they are depressed is particularly troublesome. On the one hand, they believe (rightly) that their faith forbids them to walk away from their marriage for no reason other than feel it isn’t working. On the other hand, they are often convinced they have already spiritually failed because they believe the myth that “good Christians” are always supposed to be happy and content.
The latter sentiment is a common stereotype that has hindered the mental health of many believers. The truth is that it reveals a misrepresentation of Scripture. The Bible is filled with stories of God’s servants who, though depressed (sometimes suicidally so), were used to carry out many of God’s greatest redemptive acts in history (e.g., Moses, Elijah, Jonah, Job, King David, the Apostle Paul, to name a few). God did not treat them as unfaithful or worthless servants, but rather tenderly and compassionately used their circumstances to grow them emotionally and spiritually. And He did this while accomplishing great things through them (e.g., Num. 11:10-25; 1Kings 19:1-18; Psa. 34; 2Cor. 7:5-7; 8:1-5).
God views us no differently today. As A.W. Tozer once put it, God has never had, nor will He ever have, any bad thoughts about us, though many of us may find that hard to believe. Self-rejection does, indeed, have its damaging effects. But, unless we squarely face the issues triggering our depression, it is highly unlikely that we will ever truly understand God’s view of us. The courage to do this is inevitably found in our Lord’s desire to heal His people, to point them instead to the solution-focused lifestyle of His grace.
Is depression hindering the potential of your marriage? If so, it may turn out, as it did for John and Emily, that its source is in the distorted thinking that comes from a dysfunctional home of origin. But, whatever the source, you should know that depression is treatable. With the right measures, it can greatly diminish in time, often going into full remission. This is, of course, good news for marriages that have greatly suffered from this unwanted stranger in their homes. The news gets even better when you realize that depression typically exposes many of the liabilities of marital communication patterns. Once exposed, the need to change these communication habits becomes, at last, clearly evident.
In the beginning, God intended marriage to be an earthly representation of His love. Married life can be a remarkable catalyst for healing of damage done to you as a child, or it can be the stage for confirming every dreadful expectation about relationships you’ve ever had. Ultimately, the choice is up to you. But, if you are armed with the knowledge of God’s desires for you, and you believe in the good will of your partner, you are far more likely to make decisions that will transform your marriage into the rightful testimony of His love.
