Okay, I will admit it, I watch The Bachelor. There is something oddly entertaining to me about a show where a group of girls would be willing to go on television to compete for one guy. Even though they don’t know the guy, each woman is convinced that this is her best shot at “true love.”
For those of you who do not watch the show, I will give you a general idea of what it is about. Twenty-five women show up to meet one eligible bachelor in hopes that he will propose to her at the end of it all. The time spent between the bachelor and each of the girls is limited to small increments of time on either group or one-on-one dates. The dates are often over the top ranging from bungee jumping to helicopter rides, and as the number of girls dwindles through what is known as “the rose ceremony” (each week the bachelor hands out roses to the girls he wants to stick around), they begin traveling to exotic places together. As the show progresses, emotions fly high, insecurity rears its head, and cat-fights erupt that are not exactly flattering. All of this for a chance at “love.”
Sound ridiculous? It is. This show displays more about what true love isn’t than what it is. The rules of dating are thrown out the window, and these girls do pretty much everything and anything they can for a shot with a guy they really don’t know. The road to love on this show is laughable and depressing at the same time because it is so far from God’s design for dating, love, and marriage.
Let me guess—you are wondering why on earth I would watch this show then let alone write an article on it, right? Good question. The truth is that I have learned a lot from watching The Bachelor. It’s a lot like the saying, “Learn from other people’s mistakes.” The format of this show is perfect for unveiling a lot of truth about dating and seeking that perfect person to spend the rest of your life with. That is why I am sharing with you the lessons I have learned from The Bachelor.
Take your time.
One of my biggest complaints about The Bachelor is the time frame in which everything happens. You are talking about a couple of weeks in which one guy is dating twenty-five women at the same time, and only getting a couple of hours tops with him when it is all said and done. There might be some sort of immediate emotional connection, but that’s hardly a substantial amount of time to get to know someone at the necessary levels needed to determine if they are the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
This is an extreme case of rushing things, but I don’t think it’s an uncommon situation found in many relationships. All too often couples think because they are feeling in love they should rush to the altar. The time frame for an engagement and marriage varies with every couple, but the important thing is to make sure you really know who you are marrying and why. As Dr. Gary Chapman puts it in his book Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married, “Being in love is not a sufficient foundation on which to build a successful marriage.”
It is essential to take sufficient time with the person you are dating to sort through the emotions to find out if, at the heart of it all, you are compatible. Rushing things because you are on an emotional high or because your biological clock is ticking only leads to a struggling marriage down the road. Successful marriages are the product of in-depth planning, discussion, soul searching, and prayer.
Use your head, not just your heart.
One of the last girls to be eliminated from the running for the bachelor’s heart struck a nerve with me in her recount of what happened. She expressed that the process of competing with twenty-five other girls was difficult, and it caused her to be closed off at times to protect herself from getting hurt. She mentioned that she had major regrets because she feels like she should have been more vulnerable and opened up more despite the danger of getting hurt. This made two things come to mind.
First of all, vulnerability is a key ingredient in every relationship. Intimacy is forged through vulnerability. As you open up more to someone and he/she does the same, your relationship and love deepens because of the trust placed in your connection and each other. While vulnerability is essential to the deepening of a relationship, it should not be given carelessly. Your innermost being should only be displayed when the person you are sharing it with has displayed the necessary care, interest, and love to protect those things most valuable and dear to you. You can’t force yourself into sharing things prematurely in hopes that it will be enough to keep a relationship alive. Vulnerability is something that you exhibit when the relationship is already secure, and you are merely cultivating deeper intimacy.
Secondly, while there is always a level of personal responsibility in every situation, it is important in dating relationships not to take all of the blame. Too many times during the dating stage, people ignore, cover up, and dismiss the actions of the person they are involved with. A lot of self-blame can occur, skewing the ability to see clearly whether this is a healthy relationship or not and if this person is best suited for you. Of course, both parties play a part in a situation, but don’t ignore cautionary signs warning you of dangers ahead. It’s important to be objective and use wisdom to discern if the patterns being laid down during dating are healthy.
Be lady-like.
The competitive nature of The Bachelor brings out some scary sides to the ladies competing. From demeaning the other girls to throwing themselves at the bachelor, these ladies demonstrated a whole lot of things not to do when dating. Doing whatever it takes to snag a man is not the way to go.
I know that society tells us that the feminist approach to living and relationships is the ideal, but that’s not the way God designed us to be. Being aggressive was never part of God’s description of women. In fact, in 1 Peter 3:4 God says the following about a godly woman, “Her heart reflects the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” This doesn’t mean women should be seen and not heard, but it does mean that we were never intended to be the aggressive ones pursuing the male. Obviously, that statement is in direct contrast to everything we hear around us, but men and women, while equal, were created with specific, complementary roles.
All too often, you see the scenario of the woman pursuing the man ending disastrously. After she does all the pursuing, planning, and controlling during the dating stage, she starts wondering why in the marriage she has to do all the work. Why can’t he step up once in awhile and be the leading man? Usually both the husband and the wife resent each other for the situation, and yet, the groundwork was laid early on. Ladies, as wives we are to be “a helper fit” for our husbands (Genesis 2:18, italics added). Take a step back, allow the man to rise to the occasion and take his rightful place as the leader. This isn’t an abdication of womanhood or a step toward being the relational doormat, but rather, it is an appropriate approach to a fulfilling and God-ordained design for relationships.
The Bachelor demonstrates to me the desperate desire so many people have for a meaningful, life-long relationship. Yet, it also shows just how confused we are about how to acquire it. Relationships are a work in progress that require people to be intentional, wise, and discerning. To find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, don’t go recklessly searching and throwing yourself at any opportunity that might come your way. Take time, be thoughtful, pray often, and seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Proverbs 3:6 says, “In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”
