After one semester of college in downtown Chicago, I realized that I was a city girl at heart. From the beginning, the skyline drew me in to its bright lights and bustle. I loved getting lost in a street full of people, the host of cultural events right at my fingertips, and the fact that I had six cozy, independent coffee shops within a one mile radius of my apartment. Little did I know that shortly after my college career, I would become a small town transplant.
My marriage would require a move—as my husband was offered a job in his hometown in Upstate New York, a place where we loved to visit but had never planned to stay. A place with three Starbucks, two movie theatres, and a Main Street dotted with “For Lease” signs in the dusty windows. It wasn’t Chicago, and it wasn’t what we had expected.
Starting out together is a huge life transition, and even more so when you add in a new zip code. And in the current state of our economy, engaged couples are hard-pressed to find jobs to provide for their new life together, which may necessitate a significant change of address. Other newlyweds move because of military commitments, or because they dated long-distance through their engagement and their marriage finally brought them together on new ground.
Many couples who are surrounded by friends and family on their wedding day suddenly find themselves lonely after the honeymoon, when they’ve moved into a new neighborhood or state. Isolation from community is a feeling many newlyweds can identify with—how will you find a church? Make new friends? What will you do on the weekends?
Several people have given me the wise advice that after you’re married, it’s especially important to have girlfriends to connect and hang out with, and likewise with guy friends for your husband. I wholeheartedly agree, and being married has shown me the value of my friendships like never before. But finding friends takes time in a new place, and sometimes this advice is easier said than done.
My husband and I are blessed to have a good church, friends in the wider community, and the opportunity to be part of a small group for young married couples just like us. But it has taken us seven months to get here. We’re still trying to get creative about meeting people and getting involved with the community. Here are a few things that helped us along the way…
Keep up with old friends as you make new ones Relationships are time-consuming, and it’s a delicate balance keeping up with your old friends while making new ones. Old friends are your support system as you venture out in a new place; they know you, love you, and want to know what’s going on in your life. But new friends are essential for you to feel at home where you are, and building these relationships takes effort after the initial introduction. Invest in new relationships, but don’t neglect your best friends back home.
Find a church and get involved Wherever you live, your church home is going to be where you find your core Christian community. Being part of a church connects you to the Body of Christ, giving you a family to walk through life together. But visiting churches takes time, so don’t get discouraged if your church search takes longer than you’d like. Instead, use the in-between time as an opportunity to grow spiritually with your spouse. Talk about what you are looking for in a church, what convictions and doctrines are important to you, and what you think about the sermon after the service.
Step out into the community Finding Christian community is important, but the church is not the only place to meet people! Check out your local paper or web listings to find out what’s going on in your area, and try something new. Visit a Farmer’s Market, sign up for a Zumba class, join a book club or an art class. By pursuing your own interests and hobbies, chances are you will meet like-minded people and you’ll have something in common.
Volunteer Ministries and non-profits are always looking for passionate volunteers, and planting a community garden or serving at a soup kitchen alongside other volunteers creates a team mentality. Not only will you meet people and have fun working together, but you may find a new ministry by finding ways to bless others with your gifts and service.
Be Pro-active Don’t wait for your neighbors or new acquaintances to come to you, take the initiative and go to them! You can wait a long time to get invited for dinner, but who says you have to wait? Hospitality is one of the best ways to turn strangers into friends. After you move into your new house or apartment, take a walk around the block and introduce yourself to your neighbors. Host a moving party or an open house. Invite another couple to join you for dinner or a local cultural event. And when anyone offers you help moving in or getting to know the area, take them up on it!
Wherever marriage has brought you, God promises His faithful presence is with you and will guide you. Isaiah 42:16 says,
And I will lead the blind in a way they do not know,
In paths that they have not known I will guide them.
I will turn the darkness before them into light,
The rough places into level ground.
These are the things I do,
and I do not forsake them.
Even if you feel like you’re stuck in your job, your new living situation, or your loneliness, God is guiding you and He has you where you are for a reason. You’re not wasting time, waiting for life to go the direction you want it to. If you’ve moved far from home, it’s easy to look back at what you’ve left behind or dream ahead about where you wish you were instead. But God has placed you in the present. Keep moving forward and know that you are not just waiting, you are building something: a marriage, a ministry, a future, a family, and a home.
