3 years ago, I decided to separate from my husband.
It was a surprisingly easy decision.
I wanted to reclaim my independence; expand my social circles and reconnect with people from the past.
I just couldn’t make those things happen while hitched to my hubby.
And so I did it.
With a few clicks of the mouse, our union was torn asunder and my identity was reclaimed. Seconds later I had my very own, brand new Facebook username: “Jennifer DeLong-Roos.”
There. I was free. Finally people would recognize me.
Just as I had hoped, the friend requests began rolling in.
Sarah Smith from grade school! My very first sleepover was at her house! Those were good times.
Oh, and Alyssa Stevens from summers at the beach! We would have had so much fun that night if only my mom hadn’t caught us climbing out the window! Ugh…we were so bad back then! Those were the days.
Wow. I can’t believe Jeff Miller sent me a friend request…he never even looked my way back in high school! He thought he was too cool for me, I guess. Hmm. His wife is beautiful. I wonder if they’re happy. What would he think of me if he saw me now?
So, Collin Masters became a doctor after all! It must be nice to have a doctor for a husband. I wonder what that would be like; long days, late nights, always on call. I bet the money’s nice, though.
Jason. Mitchell.
I never thought I’d hear from you again.
Why are you contacting me?
We agreed to part ways long ago. Remember?
Why is my heart beating so fast?
I know, Jason. We had good times together. But its been ten years and I’m not the same person I was back then. Yes, I know you loved me. And yes, I know I promised you I’d always be there for you but sometimes the things we think are so beautiful and so good and so pure and so…right, just aren’t God’s will for us.
Yeah, we did have a unique connection.
I remember how you ran your fingers through my hair and pulled me close. How you looked into my soul and poured your secrets inside of me. How you trusted me.
I loved being there with you. I loved being valuable to you.
Jason, I’m married now. And so are you.
No we can’t meet. It wouldn’t be right. I love my husband and we have a blessed life together.
We should just meet here. On Facebook.
Bye.
For now.
Welcome to my confession.
3 years ago today, I began a slow drift out to sea, bathing in an ocean of memories that engulfed me like the radiant sun after a cold winter.
I couldn’t see the storm clouds brewing on the horizon. Perhaps I just didn’t want to face the impending rain.
My marriage had hit rocky shores. The traumatic birth of our first son left me depressed and sent me into a difficult season of questioning God’s love for me and my husband’s ability to truly make me happy. On top of that, I was pregnant with our daughter who was just diagnosed with a rare heart condition at my 20 week ultrasound. To put a cherry on top, we were relocating to a new state in a few weeks. I didn’t feel like I could unload my sadness onto my husband without causing him more grief and so I wallowed in the mire that was my life. Lonely and vulnerable, I chose not to fight for my marriage. I yielded to passivity and took the path of least resistance. It led me to the past where happiness used to reside.
It led me back to Jason.
Each time Jason opened his chat box and asked me how I was doing I felt cared for, understood, desired and validated.
He was sad that I suffered so much emotional pain over the last months and he wished he could make it all better. He promised me that the future held happiness and that things would be ok.
He told me everything I wanted to hear from my husband.
All the while, I chose not to believe my actions were wrong. I ignored the Holy Spirit’s conviction and I told myself I was just reconnecting with old friends, sharing memories and building new bridges for future ministry opportunities.
In reality though, my conversations with Jason comforted me like a warm blanket on a cold night. I nestled them close to my cheek and rested.
One day, while I was on Facebook chatting with him, my husband walked into the room. I instinctively closed the computer.
Although Wouter never questioned my abrupt body language nor did he ever put me on the defense by asking who I was chatting with, the simple fact that I was hiding something from him told me that my actions were sinful. It was no longer innocent Facebook fun and it certainly wasn’t shallow small talk that kept me returning to my computer each day. It was me meeting my own needs by using a man other than my husband to affirm and console me during a deep time of need.
I wasn’t in love with Jason nor did I ever consider cheating on my husband with him. I simply used him and the memories we had together as a salve to ease my own pain.
I was very wrong.
A few days later, as I rested my head next to my beloved husband, I confessed. I told him my secret even though my secret wanted to remain in the shadows. I exposed it all so that the temptation to carry on in my sin would lose its power over me. That day marked the beginning of a long journey toward much needed restoration. We both opened our hearts, shared our pain and reconnected in a way that strengthened the bond of love that we share today.
Shortly thereafter, I was happily reunited with my husband under one username and we’ve been together ever since. A modern day happy ending.
I wonder how many husbands and wives out there use social media to ease loneliness, find validation or live vicariously through other people’s experiences. Am I the only one?
If you feel like you are in a compromising situation based on your online activitiies, I strongly urge you to seek accountability, delete friends or simply walk away from the computer. Find someone to confide in and figure out what the real issues are. Don’t risk violating the sacred trust your marriage depends upon.
Face the tumultuous seasons of marriage with resolve. Don’t switch into neutral and look for someone or something else to ease the pain. Remember that trials are conduits of God’s grace, mercy, love and ultimately His character being formed within us!
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A chord of three strands is not easily broken! Ecclesiastes 4:12
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