I’m in the middle of writing a book about loneliness. It doesn’t drop until next year, but I can give you a sneak peak.
- Chapter 1: God wired us for connection
- Chapter 2: We’ve gotten a little sidetracked in our understanding of what connection really is.
- Chapter 3: A bunch of us are really, really lonely.
Okay. There’s actually a little more to it than that, but the heartbeat of the book is that lots of us are lonely and God has a way for us to know and be known. We traveled the country talking to women in the research phase of the book and one thing that struck me was how many women told us that their marriage was the source of their loneliness.
Here are their actual words:
In marriage I am lonely a lot of the time. I don’t want to talk to my family about what’s going on in my marriage because you don’t want to put your spouse in a bad light. I have found myself at a crossroads where I’ve become an introvert because I don’t have anyone to talk to.” –Kailey
The loneliest I have ever been is when I was married. I didn’t have the luxury of being married to someone who wanted to invest in me and be my best friend. They just wanted to have me there as a wife. We put on a show. I learned to put on a happy face. I was very alone in that not being a priority and not being invested in spiritually.” –Rachel
My loneliest moments are when I am with [my husband] but I’m not connected to him. When he disappears in his own hole emotionally and when he stops talking, I feel disconnected. That can go on for days and I feel like it’s never going to end.” –Amy
On some level most of us buy into the idea that marriage will permanently soothe any feelings of loneliness. We’re not alone anymore after all; how can we be lonely? But loneliness is not simply a byproduct of being alone. Often, we feel lonely as a result of unmet expectations. People aren’t there for us in the ways we want them to be, they don’t understand us as easily as we think they should, they’re not emotionally available 24/7 and as a result we feel alone in the world (even though we’re not).
Surprisingly, for the women we interviewed for the book, loneliness was most often a result of an out of whack relationship with God, not with their spouse. These women put all of their eggs in the relationship basket, looking to others, especially their mate to fill every single relational void.
It didn’t work.
If we look to the union of Adam and Eve as a blueprint for our own marriages, we see that Adam did not trade in his relationship with God for his relationship with his wife. He had both. He needed both.
Only God can supply all of our needs (Philippians 4:19). When we neglect our relationship with Him we will find ourselves very lonely. When we look to human relationships to be everything we need, we will find ourselves badly off kilter.
The Matthew Henry Commentary puts it this way:
He that has a good God, a good heart, and a good wife to converse with, and yet complains he wants conversation, would not be easy and content in paradise; for Adam himself had no more…Those that are most satisfied in God and his favour are in the best way, and in the best frame to receive the good things of this life and shall be sure of them.”
When you are satisfied in Christ, you are best able to be satisfied in your relationships with others. That’ll preach.
Your spouse will disappoint you, withdraw from you, and spend time away from you. Without the right perspective that they were never meant to fill every crevice of your heart and life you may find yourself desperately lonely. When you look to God to satisfy, you may still feel disappointed, but never alone.
It is a lifelong lesson that marriage isn’t really about us. It is designed to put God on display. It’s no wonder then that the equation doesn’t add up when we look to our spouse to be our end all be all. The next time you’re feeling lonely in your marriage let me encourage you to avoid blame and seek to know God better instead. Just like Adam, you cannot swap a meaningful relationship with God in for a meaningful relationship with your spouse. You need both.
How about you? Do you feel lonely in your marriage? Is it possible that the real source is a neglected relationship with Christ instead of a spouse who “doesn’t get you?”
