There are some things I say to my husband in anger or frustration that even make me cringe! In the fires of impulsivity, emotions rage and words fly. Certain phrases seem to slip out undetected and unannounced, without forethought or deliberation. Regret immediately surges through me and I automatically wish I would’ve just kept my mouth closed.
The tongue is a small part of the body but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.” —James 3:5
I bet you’re already familiar with the rhetoric of passionate discussion and if you’re anything like me, you’ve used all four of the following statements at some point in your marriage. Let’s face it; these expressions are the “go to” cheap shots you and I use when we can’t be bothered with conventional, constructive conflict resolution.
1. You never…
“You never tell me I’m beautiful anymore!” I spit that one out the other night when I was fishing for a compliment about my new outfit. First of all, what I said isn’t even true. Second of all, who wants a courtesy compliment anyway? Yeah, I usually use this one when my so-called “needs” aren’t being met and disappointment is fermenting inside of me. Typically, I say this when I’ve ignored my negative feelings, allowed them to collect steam, gain momentum and then burst out of my mouth like a corkscrew on a champagne bottle. This spontaneous combustion sends a wave of shock right to my husband’s gut like an unexpected sucker-punch. He is usually left wondering where in the world all this came from since I’ve never mentioned it before. And, as far as he recalls, he just told me how beautiful I looked a few hours earlier! So, you can only imagine his surprise! Turns out, my careless words were unnecessary.
I should’ve just asked him how I looked. After all, he’s not a mind reader.
2. I wish you would…
“I wish you would be more sensitive!” Ewe…I’ve said this one many-a-times. Even though it’s a completely valid request, sometimes the way in which I solicit sensitivity from my husband is very hurtful to him. Its kind of like saying he is lacking or withholding something that I vitally need and what he is giving me, simply isn’t good enough. Phrases like, “I wish you would just listen to me” or “I wish you would stop talking so much” are literally put-downs with damaging effects, especially when said in anger and not necessarily even true. The fact is, my husband is sensitive to me most of the time and it’s unfair of me to expect him to be exactly what I need whenever I need it. He’s not God! I’ve learned to think before I use this phrase. Unless, of course, I’m telling him that I wish he and I were stranded on a deserted Island like Brian and Milla on Return to the Blue Lagoon.
Sometimes explaining my emotional needs can eliminate the disappointment of unmet ones.
3. Uh-Huh, yeah sure, whatever…
Yikes. This is my personal favorite. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said this to my husband. Thankfully, I rarely say it out loud. I use this phrase when I know I cannot win the argument and my frustration level is through the roof. Essentially, it’s like saying “I’ve had enough of this ridiculous discussion. I’m right. You’re wrong and you’ll realize it after you think it through some more.” Yup, this one is about as unproductive and invalid as living in complete silence and thinking you have an amazing marriage. Usually, when I start saying this phrase in my head, it’s time for me to step away from the conversation, take a deep breathe and reconsider the importance of the topic. At which time I’ll either return to it, or walk away from it in peace. If I decide to return to it, I do so when I’m at room temperature. I approach my husband calmly, ask him to sit down, hear me out and reserve his interjections for later. Asking him to identify with my feelings helps him understand where they’re coming from. And since he is studying to be a counselor, he’s usually more than willing to resolve the issue.
Rational, adult-like talk yields peace.
4. Nothing, I’m fine…
Oh yeah! This one is my husband’s absolute favorite. It’s that awesome game I initiate when I want him to guess what’s wrong with me. And guess what? He always loses! And I…never win! Actually, that’s probably the only game he ever loses. Anyway, most of the time, when I’m livid about something, I find it extraordinarily hard to communicate rationally. Thus, I resort to using the silent treatment as my flare gun signaling my distress throughout the house. I stomp around the room with what my husband likes to call “a big lip” hoping he’ll start guessing soon so I can get my apology and move on with my life. Does it ever happen to work out like that? No. Never. But that doesn’t stop me from trying. Lately, though, I’ve been experimenting with a new approach. It’s called communicating my feelings. I start out like this, “Can we talk? Lately I’ve been feeling like…” And…wow! It works. Issues are resolved, love is restored and peace returns to my home, even when we’ve agreed to disagree.
What spouse doesn’t want open communication?
Disclosure, dialogue, divulgence… call it what you want. Effective, peaceable communication in marriage is vital. Stop the crazy cycle and watch your relationship flourish!
