It was three days into our honeymoon when my husband and I had one of the worst fights in the history of our marriage. We had a brilliant idea to rent a canoe off the shore of our lodge in Canada, but we both were novices at rowing. The person who rented us our canoe said, “Have fun! Just be careful not to get into the path of the hydroplanes right over there,” and he pointed off in a far direction. We smiled, and off we went. Somewhere in the course of our adventure, we started arguing over who knew how to paddle best. With each of us paddling in opposite directions, we ended up smack dab in the middle of the flight path—right where the instructor told us not to be. We looked up and saw a hydroplane coming towards us, and we panicked. Somehow we managed to get over just enough for him to land, but instead of laughing it off, we were furious with each other. “You put my life in danger!” we each shouted, and we stayed mad for the rest of the day. Our marriage started out on the wrong foot—we were prideful, selfish, and both wanted to be in control.
Months later we stumbled into counseling, embarrassed that as newlyweds we were having issues so early on. That decision, however, was one of the best decisions we could have ever made.
Fast forward almost fourteen years, and we are still together, warts and all. I married my complete opposite—he being the extrovert, I being the introvert. He is the night-owl, while I prefer to be asleep at 10:00 p.m. Our tastes in music, movies, and fun are also different—but at least we both love Mexican food. We are still learning how to love each other, how to appreciate each other’s differences, and how to be humble despite our own pride. We have seen counselors many times throughout our years together, and every time it has been hard and painful, but always worth it.
Being in ministry together, we have seen even the strongest marriages crumble. When couples ask us for advice, I don’t often resort to the typical answers like, “pray together every night” (although that is important) or “don’t go to bed angry” (because late night conversations can be the worst), or even quote Scripture at them. You know what I tell them?
I tell them to not be afraid to get help, and to get help right away.
Most of the marriages I know that have broken apart have done so not only because of sinful natures, pride, immaturity, or irreconcilable differences—they break apart because they wait until the very last minute to get help until things are so bad that they don’t know what else to do except leave. Some of them don’t believe in counseling. Others say they don’t have the money for it. Some couples are too prideful to admit they need help, or one of them refuses to go. Some have had bad experiences with therapist in the past. Many times it feels easier to just give up.
We put more money into fixing our vehicles and appliances when they are broken than into fixing our broken marriages.
It takes humility to seek help. It takes time to seek help. It often takes money to seek help. But seeking help sooner rather than later may be the best step you could take.
So what if your spouse refuses to go? A wise counselor once told me that I am not responsible for my spouses’ actions; I am only responsible for my own. If you feel that your marriage needs help, don’t wait for your spouse to seek out help too.
Seeking help does not ensure that your marriage will stay together, but it is one step in the right direction. For us, it was one of the biggest steps, yet most humbling steps, in the right direction. Hiding our problems and sins did not benefit anyone and only drew us further apart. Having that third party step in is what began the process of us coming back together each time.
Whether you have had good experiences or bad experience with counseling in the past, I encourage you to try it again if you are in a place where you need help. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right person.
If your marriage is not hurting right now, pray about how God might want to use you and your spouse to reach out to other couples in crisis. You might be one of the tools God uses to save a struggling marriage.
