Sex sells. Right?
Wrong. Sex doesn’t sell, it arouses us. What sells (or convinces us) is the connection and emotional reaction we have to the way a product makes us feel. Axe body wash, Godaddy, Victorias Secret, or many other mainstream companies that uses scantily clad women to sell their products is creating a space of anticipation and desire culminating in the promise of fulfillment. If, as men, we use Axe products then beautiful women will be at our beckon call. Women aren’t going to get any closer to someone because they wear Axe, but the image of this on the TV screen during the Super Bowl sure does stick with both genders as they shop in the deodorant isle at the store.
Advertisements aren’t a problem because of the content, the sexy actors or actresses, or the product; it’s a problem because everyone of us, men and women alike, crave attention and connection. One thing that our bodies naturally desire in relationships is sexual fulfillment, just as the one thing our souls desire is emotional fulfillment. Sexual and Emotional intimacy are what come together to create the fullness of a relationship.
Relationships deepen because of an emotional connection, not a sexual one. I’m not sure that one can decipher if sexual or emotional attraction comes first in the starting of a relationship, but growing or deepening a relationship takes emotional involvement. Emotional connection comes about because we see or experience something about the other person that is comforting or calming to us thus resulting in a feeling of safety. The closer we get, the more natural it feels to be in physical close proximity to this person.
For young relationships, this pull of emotional closeness creates a natural movement towards sexual intimacy. If these two feelings could talk, they’d be trying to figure out a way to get to a place where both sexual and emotional intimacy were equal. The same is true for the inverse. If the prevalence of sexual intimacy is beyond that of the emotional intimacy, the strain is going to be put on the emotional side to catch up.
John and Sarah
Let me highlight this by offering a view into the lives of a few couples. John and Sarah are engaged, and currently express love and affection towards each other in physically stimulating ways. They are having sex regularly, and know they probably shouldn’t for moral reasons, but they love each other so much. They report having sex on their second date in a moment of intense weakness for each other. They’ve been dating for about 15 months, engaged for over 3, and to be married in about 4 months. They explain that they want to stop having sex and struggling with other sexual sins, but that they don’t know how.
Their relationship is built upon sexual expression. This creates conflict for them when they are not having sex, but want to feel close together. It’s possible that to keep from feeling the loss of not developing the emotional connection, they increase their sexual activity. This further distances the two from attaining what they ultimately want and desire with each other: intimacy.
The challenge for this couple is to arrest the sexual expression and allow space for emotional, non-sexual, connections to occur.
Typically when couples in this space stop having sex they end up back in bed together or breaking up because their experiences together do not have any foundation or ground work to support the conflicts that occur. They either return to using sex as a way to cope, or break the relationship.
Josh and Amanda
Josh and Amanda have been engaged for almost 6 months, and are to be married in a couple of weeks. They dated for a little over a year, and have only expressed physical affection in the form of light kissing. They report their desire to remain sexually inactive until their wedding day, and both become shy and anxious when sex is mentioned. They speak of their deep and long conversations at night, and often get lost in time discussing dreams for the future and their love for each other.
Similar to John and Sarah, Josh and Amanda are unbalanced in their intimate expressions. They’re heavy on the emotional side, but almost non-existent on the sexual side. This couple has built the foundation for their relationship, and has continued to build the foundation, upon the foundation, upon the foundation. It’s a heavy-sided relationship that is intensely serious. This isn’t to say their seriousness is a negative thing, rather the challenge for Josh and Amanda is to begin letting go of the rigid sexual boundaries, not to have sex, but to allow for the natural God-given desires for sexual intimacy be a part of their relationship. The difficulty for denying all sexual expression before marriage is that our sexuality is not a switch. We cannot turn it on and off arbitrarily. It’s a process.
Charlie and Layla
One final example. Charlie and Layla are also engaged, and have yet to have sexual intercourse. They have experimented sexually in times of intense passion, but have both managed to stop the physical urges before having sex. They are ambivalent about their sexual exploration, feeling some shame and guilt, but rarely discuss this with each other. They report not knowing how to hold the line of desire for each other and waiting for their wedding in less than 2 months.
They are fairly connected both sexually and emotionally, and likely has the healthiest approach of the three couples. They are sexually involved, but because they do not challenge the conflict they have with becoming sexually active and the resulting guilt, they are eliminating the emotional connection by hiding and not engaging with what is happening in the relationship. This couple has the closest relationship to an intimate marriage, yet their challenge is to learn ways to expressing sexual desires to the other without acting out these desires with the other person (or on their own).
Each of these couples all have the desire and need for intimacy. However, they are vastly different in their expression of intimacy and how they manage their own desires. As I worked with each couple, I challenged them in the push/pull nature of sexual and emotional intimacy. I bring these different situations up to highlight the range of connection that occurs in relationships. None of them are doing it in a way that will make developing emotional intimacy in marriage any easier. They each face an uphill battle in creating intimacy in their marriage.
When a couple walks into my office and explains they’ve not had sex in 6 months (and there are no medical issues surrounding this), I’m quite certain that their emotional connection is pretty low. This is not a science, but there are a few predictors that couples can pay attention to that will help illuminate areas needing attention.
Developing emotional connection takes effort. It takes you budgeting your finances to allow for dates, trips, and gifts with and for one another. Connection requires time and energy, which like money are very limited and perhaps more valuable. Creating connections also requires miscues and failures. Having sex is an easy way to feel a moment of connection, but does not require connection to occur. The goal for marriage: Arrive at the point of intimacy together with equal parts emotional and sexual expression. The combination not only creates the best and most pleasurable sex you’ll experience, but also the most fulfilled relationship and connection with each other.
