Hi, my name is Rayni and I’m an introvert.
Being an introvert doesn’t mean I’m shy. I’m definitely friendly and I’m outgoing (when I need to be). But it also means that if I see you at the grocery store and you haven’t seen me first, I will likely turn and walk away as quickly as possible so I don’t have to interact with you. That sounds really weird to the extroverts reading this but I know the introverts are tracking with me!
Most of all being an introvert means that the way I rest, relax and renew the best is by having regular times of quiet and alone time. For this reason I used to be a little uneasy with the thought of getting married—How could I stand to spend so much time with one person? What about my introverted needs?
Introvert meets extrovert
Even before I was married, I was always careful and guarded with my time. I had boundaries with friends and family because I knew myself and knew how much alone time I would need on evenings and weekends. However, my normal way of doing things was blown out of the water when I met my husband, Joel. As we started dating, all of a sudden I was spending hours and hours with him; much more than I would spend with anyone else. And I liked it! What was happening to me?
Enjoying spending so much time with Joel was one confirmation to me that he was the man I wanted to marry. Now that we have been married for two years, I can tell you that—while I do still want and need alone time—I enjoy spending much more time with him than I ever knew would be possible for this introvert. But there has also been a time of adjusting to our different personalities because Joel is more of an extrovert. He is more social and likes noise more than I do but he has learned that I need times of quiet—even when we’re at home together.
Negotiating the differences
Respecting each other’s needs is extremely important in every relationship. In order for Joel to understand my introverted needs I had to plainly tell him what my needs were and how to meet them. And at first when he forgot I had to tell him again. You have to communicate your needs clearly and calmly. Nowadays, if we’ve had the TV or radio on for awhile, he’ll say, let’s turn it off and have some quiet. He does that intentionally for me to honor me. At other times, I also put up with more noise than I want in order to honor him and his preferences.
God has given each of us unique personalities and He cherishes each of those things in us. Likewise, our spouse must cherish our personality and uniqueness because it’s part of respecting and cherishing us. In Ephesians 5 we are instructed:
Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another. Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church―a love marked by giving, not getting” (verses 21, 22, 25, MSG).
When we each give that means we also each receive and that makes for a more fulfilling relationship.
For further thought
- What is your attitude toward the unique differences God created in your significant other? Do you celebrate those differences or belittle them?
- Take some time to talk with your significant other about what you need and what they need in your relationship and then go all out in honoring one another in those areas.
