Finding couples who have stood the test of time seems to be getting harder and harder. More than likely you come across brokenness, negativity, and sadness in the arena of marriage. Recently though, I found myself surrounded by wonderful examples of couples who have stood the test of time for forty-plus years.
My husband and I were taking a vacation to celebrate our anniversary, and we encountered much more than just some quality time, laughter, and adventure. For some reason on this trip people kept mistaking us for newlyweds, which prompted us to mention we were actually celebrating our two year anniversary. This would invariably lead to a conversation as to the nature of our new acquaintances’ travels. What we found were some pretty amazing couples who go against today’s marital odds.
Time and time again, we were showered with wonderful success stories of more than four decades of marriage. It was so refreshing and encouraging. Of course, professionally and personally, I had to ask what each couple felt contributed to the success of their marriage. The answers were not surprising, but rather affirming of common research.
Commitment
Every couple I talked to mentioned the importance of commitment in their marriage; commitment to each other and to the vows they took on their wedding day. Every marriage is going to hit rough spots from time to time, which is why it is essential to be able to fall back on your unrelenting commitment to your spouse and marriage. Commitment is the glue in a marriage that keeps you from pulling away when things get difficult. Nothing stands the test of time when commitment is lacking. For example, a bank will not lend you money to purchase a house without a written contract binding you to your agreement. Marital vows are that binding agreement saying no matter what, you are going to come through on your word. Successful marriages require that unyielding commitment to one another and the marriage.
Hard Work
It is shocking how many people I come across who buy into the movie-style outlook on marriage. They think it is all about finding their soul mate and the rest will be daisies and butterflies. While compatibility is imperative, it is not going to result in a constant euphoric state of happiness. Every single relationship will require hard work to keep both people fulfilled and feeling loved. Many of the couples we met, who were married for forty-plus years, said this was one thing they didn’t realize, but wish they had. Marriage will require you to work at it each and every single day, putting forth your best effort. There is no cruise control in marriage. It truly is what you make of it.
Compromise & Adaptability
A common statement by couples in long-standing marriages is that they had to learn to compromise and adapt. Time changes things. People change. Situations change. Some changes we plan and others catch us off-guard. Whether it is planned, like having children, or unplanned, like losing a job, we have to learn to adapt in order to continue to have a successful marriage. Oftentimes that means learning to compromise with one another in order to make things work. Life comes with seasons, hills, and valleys, and marriages require the ability to flex with those changes in a way that leaves both people feeling fulfilled.
Love & Respect
In Ephesians 5:22-33, God outlines the needs for both men and women. For men, it is the need for respect, and women require love. Obviously there is a need for love and respect by both individuals, but it is obvious in this passage that God is cluing us in to what our spouse’s primary need is. Time has a way of lulling us into complacency, so it is essential to maintain a level of effort that meets our spouse’s needs. Ladies, your husband needs to feel respected and honored. It is imperative that you display respect to him in your home as well as outside of the home in front of others. Sometimes it is a matter of choosing to respect him when you don’t feel like it. Men, your wife needs to feel loved. This may not always come naturally to you, but you must focus your romantic side and muster up the ability to shower your wife with the love she so desperately needs. Maintaining that biblical secret of love and respect in a marriage can be the difference between happily married and desperately married.
Help
When I was talking to couples who had been married for more than forty years, a common theme arose: getting help. They all mentioned how it never struck them as an option to get help when things got tough. Help was for those who were really crazy or weak. Over time though, they realized that there is no shame, but rather strength, in reaching out for help when it was needed. Many of them had ended up going to some sort of mental health professional to make it through some of the tougher times, and not one of them regretted that decision.
You may have a negative outlook on mental health services, but the truth is that it is a wise option to utilize in your marriage. I always say that a car needs regular trips to the mechanic, even when it isn’t broken down. Trips to your family doctor are needed when you need a yearly examination. Mental health services are the same – they are a marital maintenance trip. Don’t let your marriage die when there is help available. If you can’t get to a mental health professional, go to your local pastor or a trusted family friend. Help can also come in the form of education – books, marriage seminars, etc. There are so many resources out there; take the time to use them and keep your marriage growing and strong.
A successful marriage seems uncommon, but it is possible. It requires hard work, commitment, compromise and adaptability, love and respect, and a helping hand. Witnessing firsthand marriages that have stood the test of time for more than forty years was so encouraging. It reminded me of why it is important to keep trying, growing, learning, and loving. Marriage is one of the most worthwhile ventures we can invest in.
