Have you ever wondered exactly what the Apostle Paul meant when he talked about serving one another in the context of marriage? If you recall, he argued that the husband is to be the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. People often stop reading after the first half of that sentence, but it’s the second half that is the key to understanding the first half.
So, how is Christ the head of the church?
His sacrificial life gives us the answer…He served the church unto His death. He wasn’t constantly ordering people around, or demanding that others take care of him, or positioning himself as the king of the hill. Instead, God’s own son humbled himself by foregoing his sovereignty and, in obedience to the Father, gave himself up for our sake.
His (and, by extension, the husband’s) leadership role was one of unbridled servanthood. Paul then goes on to argue that, in response to her husband’s leadership of service, the wife is to submit and likewise serve her husband. That is to say, her husband’s service to her becomes a joyful incentive to submit to him. In effect, marriage provides the context for mutual service, with one partner’s willing initiation and the other’s happy response.
Service is not exactly what comes to mind in most people’s thinking when they are discussing leadership. They naturally think of the leader as the head honcho who gives the orders. Even the disciples, who thought of greatness in terms of the quality of their resumes (as, for example, in their argument about who would be the greatest in heaven), never conceived of the idea of leadership in terms of humble, sacrificial service. However, as Jesus demonstrated when He shockingly washed their feet, He turned their notions upside down by defining greatness as a readiness to serve others.
What does such service actually look like for a husband and wife?
Well, for starters, it’s important to remember that it’s not possible to serve your spouse effectively without first knowing what his or her needs and desires are. In other words, effective service is informed service. It’s important, therefore, to ask your partners what a satisfying, fulfilling marriage relationship looks like to them. What attitudes and behaviors on your part are they looking and hoping for?
Sometimes, to explore this issue, I ask clients the so-called “miracle question:” If, while you were asleep at night, a miracle happened and, in the morning when you woke up, your relationship was suddenly transformed into something you’ve always wanted and hoped for–what would you first notice that told you something was very different, exciting and hopeful?
It’s important that you describe your desires in specific behavioral terms so that your partners can understand precisely what to change. Stating desired changes in very practical, doable terms and steering clear of generalities or ambiguous labels avoids confusion and miscommunication.
Once you know what your partner is actually looking for, you’re finally in a position to respond in a relevant way to his or her needs and desires in the relationship. In too many marriages, partners are essentially left to guess what the other wants…which usually means they guess wrong. This can lead both spouses to believe that they can never have a happy relationship.
Often, husbands and wives are looking for different things.
Men often want to feel more adequate than they do–adequacy being defined as empowered by their ability to please their wives. When they come in for counseling, they frequently complain that “no matter what I do, my wife is never satisfied; it’s just futility to try anymore.” You can see how quickly they bring up their feelings of inadequacy. Wives, on the other hand, more often talk about feeling lonely, unwanted and rejected. They want to feel “emotionally close” to their husbands but, instead, feel isolated and abandoned.
For men, financial setbacks, problems in their occupational identity (e.g., failing to get a promotion, losing a job, or being stuck in one they hate), or fading physical powers as they get older are common causes of depression. However, among women, it has more to do with threats to their femininity, body image issues, and losses involving important men in their lives. When husbands and wives come together at the end of the day, men are more likely to ask for “reports” about their mate’s activities, while women are more interested in the emotional tone of the relationship, as indicated by affection, touch and words of tenderness.
Men want sex without necessarily consistent attention or physical affection, repeatedly leading women to believe they are more objects of gratification than subjects of love. Some have even confessed that they feel more like prostitutes than wives, which tells you just how far some relationships have fallen short of the mark. Women, however, want to cuddle, talk intimately with depth, and soak in the joy of togetherness. For them, emotional intimacy is the goal while sex is ultimately the physical expression of it. Without intimacy, sex is usually largely meaningless to them other than a momentary pleasure–and some don’t even experience that. I could go on about the gender differences that can get in the way of satisfying communication, but you get the idea.
Take time to understand one another.
The main point is that the chances for a major rupture occurring in your marriage are relatively high unless you are both willing to take the time to carefully understand one another and to discover what each is expecting from the relationship. For you husbands, that means taking the initiative to love fully and to resolve important differences–that is mastering the role of a faithful servant. For you wives, that means responding with admiration of your husband’s leadership–that is serving him with equal mastery. As the Apostle Paul so succinctly put it, serving one another is, in the final analysis, “pleasing unto God” (Eph. 5:21).
