I picked up A Song of Fire and Ice, the first book of the Game of Thrones series made popular by HBO, on vacation last month. I’ve been engrossed in the story ever since. It’s tale of seven kingdoms, and their ruling families, fighting for the right to the iron throne, the ultimate seat of power. As with any great story, there are villains, those who play both sides, the heroes and heroines, and the prophets. These characters tell a tale of betrayal, trust, and power.
There are other themes in the book that continually show up: honor, duty, love, and war. Some characters live and die for honor, others for love. But all of them, villains and heroes alike, tell us a story of trust and loyalty. There are those who use trust to be self-serving, those who trust no one, and those trusting everyone. The setting of this story makes this theme a life or death situation. It’s easy to understand the implications of misplaced trust when your potential opponent holds a three-foot sword.
Even though it still exists for some parts of the world, most of us don’t live in the reality of physical war. Metaphorically speaking though, marriage is a vow to enter a battlefield on behalf of someone else, much like the one depicted in Game of Thrones. In life and relationships, wars happen in two ways. They happen between the couple (civil wars) and against the couple (world wars). Consider the rest of these words as it pertains to a war against the couple. You’re entering a relationship where you need her to fight for and with you, and you to fight for and with him. It’s a fight for me, for you, and for us.
A question that came up for Stephanie, my wife, and I early on was,
How do I know you’ll to be there for me?”
Ultimately this is a question of trust and loyalty; a question that exists for all marriages. When chaos (war) happens, how do we know our spouse will be there for and with us? Our words say that we’ll stand by each other, promising to return to love and forgiveness but our actions sometimes say otherwise.
As a friend of mine began dating, he was curious about how he would know “the one.” His dad told him that he’d know “the one” when he was willing to crawl for miles through broken glass, walk on hot coals, and swim through frozen lakes just to be with her. I’m sure his dad was intending to attach some fear to marriage, and it worked. There were a number of serious relationships he had prior to proposing to his wife. I don’t want to create a sensationalistic picture of marriage but I think his dad’s advice is sound. The picture he paints is that we need to be willing to suffer on behalf of the other person (I’ve never walked through hot coals or over glass, but ouch!).
When Stephanie and I were in pre-marital counseling, I (arrogantly and naively) only listened to a fraction of what the counselor said to us. In my mind, we were different than the average couple. We weren’t going to fall into the traps that others did, which meant that I didn’t need to pay attention to the caution, advice and counsel of our counselor. Like I said, I was both arrogant and naive.
Early in our marriage, there were small things that betrayed these promises and made me realize my arrogance. I forgot to return her phone calls while at work, I’d be late in getting home from work, and some other relatively minor actions that communicated to her she wasn’t important. Then there were some big snafus that happened around events like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays that really broke trust. Showing up and being faithful in the little things in life communicate to your spouse that you notice and will be there for them.
When walking onto the battlefield, it’s relatively easy to fight for your love. By easy I mean that we know where the threats are coming from. I’ve never fought in a war with guns, swords or arrows, but I have fought in relational wars. It’s much easier to show up for my wife in the heat of battle because I know what’s at stake. When married, you have someone else’s survival (physical, emotional and spiritual) to consider. So often we forget to consider the needs of our spouse when it doesn’t seem like a war is happening.
As the philosopher Philo of Alexandria once said,
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
Remember these words the next time something “small” is asked of you. It could be that your kindness towards your spouse is the respite they need from a war they’re facing. These are the moments that let you spouse know, “yes, I will be there for you.”
