We all remember that childhood chant, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Actually words can be quite hurtful and scarring, can’t they? Especially when they come from our spouse or significant other. Communication in a relationship can be a difficult thing. Sometimes it’s like a flawless dance and other times we get out of sync and end up stepping on each other’s toes. And yet being fully present in a relationship means being vulnerable and vulnerability means you risk being hurt.
During the course of a relationship there will be many times that we inadvertently say or do something that is hurtful to the other person and vice versa. It’s inevitable. But how we choose to deal with that hurt is very important. Here are some thoughts on how to recover as a couple after there are hurt feelings due to miscommunication, a disagreement or just plain hurtful words.
Jesus calls us to forgive.
If our goal is to become more like Jesus and follow His ways, we have to learn to forgive. Getting good at letting go of offense and forgiving also helps prevent bitterness from being planted and taking root in our hearts. If bitterness grows into your relationship it can often be the beginning of the end. I have found that it is much easier to do the work of forgiving immediately after an offense as opposed to the arduous task of pulling out roots of bitterness that have taken hold over time through ongoing unforgiveness.
Matthew 6:14-15 Jesus says,
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
In these verses the Greek word for “forgive” is aphiémi. It means to send away, release, remit, forgive. Forgiveness is a letting go of the anger and desire for revenge. Forgiving doesn’t mean that the offense was okay, but forgiveness sets you free. In his book Forgive and Forget, Lewis B. Smedes writes,
When you release the wrongdoer from the wrong, you cut a malignant tumor out of your inner life. You set a prisoner free, but you discover that the real prisoner was yourself.”
There is no one size fits all in every situation but there are some practices that are usually helpful in learning to forgive.
Give it time.
When I feel hurt by a miscommunication or a disagreement with my husband what I need is time. Time to cool off, to think about what was said and consider how to respond in a healthy and mature way. If I don’t take time to cool off it’s likely that I will raise my voice or say something mean. I want to show my husband more respect than that and work through conflict like an adult. So, taking time to let some of the hurt wear off and the temper cool down is very helpful.
Prayer and thankfulness.
I don’t know about you but I often need God’s help in offering forgiveness. Taking time to pray allows you to talk with God about the hurt and gives you time to process it and receive wisdom. Asking God to give you compassion for the person who hurt you and for your heart to be softened by God toward that person are also helpful steps toward forgiveness.
I also find that when I am angry and I begin giving God thanks for every small and large way He has blessed me, the anger toward the other person melts away and a genuine peace and joy take hold because I have taken my eyes off of my circumstance and focused on God. Praising God and expressing gratitude to Him can actually help release the anger and unforgiveness you are holding onto.
Humility and forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not a feeling, it’s a choice. We can make a decision to forgive (or ask for forgiveness) and it always begins with humbling ourselves. There have been many occasions where I felt very hurt by someone and I had to make a conscious decision to begin actively forgiving them “by faith”. What does that mean? It means you still feel the hurt, and you don’t feel like forgiving the person, but you activate your faith and forgive anyway. By choice. Sometimes you have to go through that act of forgiveness more than once but just keep doing it; the freedom will come.
Articulate your feelings.
In a preschool setting when conflict arises many of the teachers I know tell their young students, “Use your words”. If you’re emotionally hurt, you need to do more than whine. It’s helpful to be able to verbalize why it is that you feel hurt. It’s important to do this for yourself so you understand why you feel the way you feel, and also so you can clearly articulate your feelings to the person who hurt you.
Make “an appointment” to talk about it.
This is a great tip I learned a long time ago. Make a mutually agreed upon time to talk about the issue with the person who hurt you. That way it’s at a scheduled time when you are both anticipating the conversation and have time to think about what you want to say. This is a much better option than, for example, blindsiding your spouse with a long list of hurts on the drive to his grandma’s 80th birthday party where his entire family will be. It’s also a good idea to avoid starting the conversation when you’re both exhausted or hungry.
Consider counseling for deep hurts
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There are times when the best thing we can do is see a godly counselor. Deep hurts take time to work through and heal. Give yourself time and permission to work through these deep hurts with a professional. If you don’t, and you allow hurt after hurt to build up, soon there will be a mountain of hurt that is more difficult to get past. I can tell you from experience that it takes guts to work through your deep hurts. It’s often painful and scary but the freedom on the other side is more than worth it.
Are you overly sensitive?
Here’s something else to consider: sometimes the person who says something that hurts us isn’t the one in the wrong, we are. There are times when I am overly sensitive and react to something my husband says, when what he said really isn’t a big deal. I’m the one who, out of my own insecurities, makes his words into something they are not. Consider this when you feel hurt and see if there is a pattern of you over-reacting.
What not to do.
Name calling, throwing a tantrum, bringing up past grievances that have already been talked through, stonewalling and sarcasm (just to name a few) are always a bad idea. These reactions add fuel to the fire and are opposite of the character of Jesus. Our goal is to be more like Jesus so that means treating our spouse with grace and respect is very important.
A few last words.
Jesus is Sovereign over every aspect of our life. He can soften hard hearts, remove the sting of harsh words, help us forgive and let go of bitterness; He can even heal a marriage that seems irretrievable. He can do anything. Continue to seek Him as you work through hurt and miscommunication with your significant other.
Also, please know that the suggestions in this article are for normally healthy relationships that sometimes take a detour into the “land of hurt”. If you are in a relationship where there is an ongoing pattern of abuse, please reach out for help to a trusted friend, counselor, or to one of the many professional organizations that can help.
