We’re often warned about the detrimental effects divorce can have on children: It can make them insecure, worried, or harm their ability to have a successful marriage later on in life. If you find yourself in an unhappy marriage and have decided to stay for the sake of the children, it is vital to realize there are repercussions to that decision. Below are three consequences of maintaining status quo in an unhappy marriage which will hopefully serve as motivation to reignite the process of healing and restoration in your marriage.
1. Your child will marry someone just like you or your spouse.
When couples are in deep turmoil, it is difficult to think about future consequences for their children’s adult relationships. Most couples who find themselves in an unhappy marriage just try to get through each day with the least amount of conflict and drama as possible, hoping and praying for some type of change. The trouble with this approach is two-fold: usually the pattern of behavior within the marriage is so ingrained that counseling can be ineffective; and secondly, the exposure to constant home life tension is emotionally overwhelming and damaging to children and teens. Eventually, your children will be most comfortable with the pattern modeled in their formative years, thus naturally gravitating toward relationships just like what they experienced at home.
There is also the strong possibility that your children will fear commitment as adults, and vow never to have the type of relationship you do with your spouse. With this resolve, they will either be fearful of love and attract short-term relationships that never progress toward long term commitment or they will display a facade to others that eventually places them in a relationship just like the one you have with your spouse.
2. Pretense creates a cynical attitude in your children toward love.
Putting up an armor of denial to the outside world is emotionally, physically and spiritually draining. You may have told yourself that you are capable of living in an unhappy marriage as long as that sacrifice keeps your family together. What you have not factored into the equation is the stress — physically, mentally and spiritually — that will happen during those years to yourself and every family member.
The underlying anger, pain and hopelessness derived from living in a loveless marriage needs an outlet. Generally, you’ll end up taking out those feelings of hopelessness and isolation on those you love most, making your home life one devoid of peace and unity.
3. Your home is not a sanctuary.
Equating home life with chaos robs children of the gift an emotionally and spiritually healthy marriage brings to their sense of stability, safety and care. Your kids deserve a reprieve from the world without having to walk on eggshells around your and your spouse.
Status quo in a loveless marriage will not give you the means to model emotionally healthy love to your children. The trap in an unhappy marriage is the amassing of negativity and cynical attitudes toward one another and not seeing a way to work pass the impasse. By staying together for the kids, you and your spouse deny the marriage the chance of working through relational issues and close the door on finding real love with one another.
As insurmountable as the challenges in an unhappy marriage may appear to be, factoring the Lord into the healing process will give you a powerful edge over couples who do not have faith. When couples in turmoil get back to basics and focus on strengthening their walk and relationship with God, their marriage has glimmers of real hope. As complicated and deeply divided as some marriages can become, the challenge is to work on one issue at a time, rebuild mutual trust and strengthen personal faith. Then you and your spouse will be able to model the type of love children can one day be honored to duplicate.
