Many couples fear conflict and confrontation, even when there are healthy boundaries to be established, not only within the marriage relationship but also with extended family, friends and acquaintances. Have you been labeled as being “too nice” in relationships? It is that imbalance of one person generally on the receiving end of time, energy and affection that eventually results in the conflict one was trying to avoid.
Being too nice in relationships can hold back intimacy in love and in the friendships you desire because:
- You may attract exploiters. If you have a pattern of over-generosity of your time, money and self, you may attract those to your inner circle who take advantage of an overly generous nature, taking advantage of your inability to say, “no.” By setting a precedence early on, you set the stage for an experience of not feeling fully appreciated for your efforts.
- Fear becomes the motivator. Your mindset may tell you the consequences of stopping your behavior will result in loss and loneliness. Sometimes it is the fear of starting over in friendships or making changes in a marriage that propel one to keep up the frantic pace. Sometimes it is the fear that what is familiar is better than the unknown.
- Clear communication is avoided. Being too nice has a way of keeping relationships superficial. You can ride the wave of good feelings and ignore challenges when you refrain from setting healthy boundaries. It can be a diversion tactic you are using to postpone conversations you dread, fearing the responses that would come from being truthful.
Recognizing a pattern of behavior is the first step toward change and establishing a godly, emotionally healthy approach to love, friendships and balanced relationships. Particular behaviors and mindsets toward being too nice in giving of yourself include:
- I feel worthy of love when I give. Somewhere in the past is a core belief that you are not worthy of love and do not feel you alone are enough to justify your position in a relationship. It is important that you examine the first time you felt this way and work through that barrier of not wanting to be vulnerable toward those in your inner circle.
- I feel guilty being on the receiving end. If you have thoughts of not being deserving of reciprocal treatment by your spouse and in your close friendships, there is a challenge with your perception of your worth and value.
- My needs can wait. In this passive manner toward relationships, you are taking control by placing the one you love in your debt. You are trying to make the other person feel as though they could not possibly live without you because of all the countless things you do. A pattern of this behavior leads to frustration, anger and eventually resentment, which is not in the spirit of truly giving of oneself.
Love and friendships without balance are not fulfilling and leads to a tendency toward demanding recognition for all the things you have done for the other person and for keeping the relationship together. One-sided sacrifice is not sustainable nor is it the correct way to show your appreciation to your spouse and those in your inner circle. You are worthy of love and by developing and deepening the relationship you have with the Lord, daily involvement in Scripture and focusing on giving with a sincere and thankful heart, you will see not only balance in those cherished relationships, but the fulfillment you have strived for through sacrificing with wrong motives.
