“There is no way I am spending another Christmas with your family,” complained Darla. “In the past five years we’ve never spent time with my folks on any of the holidays. You know how I feel about this!”
Ken slammed his coffee down on the kitchen table. “I am so tired of having this argument. My parents have been wonderful to us. When we got married, they basically adopted you as a daughter—what is your problem?!”
Marty and I (Rich) hear these stories frequently. Erupting from frustrated attempts to achieve balance, these conversations make marriage feel more like a series of volcanic blasts than the romantic walk on a white sand beach we thought we signed up for.
Dr. Phillip McGraw is correct when he writes,
There can be no divided loyalties. When you get married and start your own family, that’s where your primary loyalty needs to be.1
Both Ken and Darla have understanding parents. They are loved by both sets. If asked, neither set of parents wants to be a problem to this couple. From the beginning, Ken’s parents viewed his marriage to Darla as a gift to their family. Having raised all boys, they finally had their daughter. While this sentiment can be positive, it can also be at odds with the biblical parameters of marriage.
From the beginning, God, in his declaration of the wonderful uniqueness of the “one flesh” relationship, commanded that “a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:23-25, NIV). Paul continues this line of reasoning when he associates the ability of the husband to love his wife with how Christ loves the church. He reaffirms the requirement of leaving and establishing a new family unit (Ephesians 5:25-31).
Too many times we have watched the destructive force of divided loyalties bury the pleasures of marriage in disparaging verbiage. From the beginning of creation, God declared that being “one flesh” included leaving the home of origin and starting a new one. In her book What Do You Want from Me? Learning to Get Along with In-Laws, Cambridge University psychologist, Terri Apter, shares that 3 out of 4 couples experience conflict with their in-laws. Her research shows that over 60% of women—versus 15% of men—report having a negative relationship with their significant other’s mother. Descriptors used by DILs in capturing relations with their MIL include: “strained,” “uncomfortable,” “infuriating,” “depressing,” “draining,” and “simply awful.”2
Learning Short Division
The bible does help us diminish the damage demonstrated by these kinds of descriptors. We can learn to get along with our in-laws or at least to “shorten” the duration of the division.
Unclick the “Hide” Button
It is a mistake to assume that your future or present spouse doesn’t have expectations about holidays and family vacations. Couples need to open up the dialogue and search for hidden expectations that could damage the love they feel. The discussion needs to start long before a holiday presses the matter to a decision.
The discussion should lead to a new understanding of the balance between your autonomy as a couple and your commitment to the extended family. This new paradigm should be clearly thought through. Most parents want their kid’s marriages to succeed. When the new paradigm is designed around the logic of this goal, it will make more sense to the parents.
You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you. —Frederick Buechner
Ken and Darla worked on understanding their different perspectives about their in-laws. This new understanding allowed Ken to support what Darla experienced as an overbearing relationship. Darla already had a mom and dad and didn’t want them replaced. After many discussions, Ken began to see Darla’s point. He was willing to adopt the teaching of Scripture and began to consider Darla’s feelings. He wanted her to not only hear him say he chose her over his family – he wanted her to feel that way, too. The new paradigm helped Darla believe that Ken was strong enough to work toward a marriage where they both enjoyed meeting each other’s needs before they met their families’ needs.
Stay in the Driver’s Seat
Most parents expect some changes when a couple marries. If parents become possessive or try to manipulate a situation, you need to stay at the wheel. I (Marty) was blessed when my father-in-law took me aside a few months before Thanksgiving and said something like, “Marty, you and Linda are a family now and you’re going to have to make some unpopular decisions. It comes with the territory. Please don’t hear me wrong, we love our daughter and we’ll miss her during the holidays, but she’s your wife first now. If it happens that you can’t spend holidays with us, we’ll support your decision.”
In our pre-martial sessions, I tell couples that story to let them know how parents are supposed to love their children, and I let them know they can use that story if they need to. It’s surprised me how many times other parents have lessened their grip after hearing my father-in-law’s words. I’m thankful that his selfless support for me continues to encourage other parents and couples. Most of all, I am thankful that Linda and I have always enjoyed our holidays with her parents!
When our (Rich and LouAnna’s) kids got married, I asked both of my daughters to sit down with their spouses and determine who they would spend the holidays with. I asked them to put it on the calendar and let us know. They both decided they would alternate holidays. Twenty years later it still works. They have learned to stay in the driver’s seat, giving preference to their oneness as a family over the intrusion of well-meaning in-laws.
Initiate Interaction
Having a new paradigm is useless unless it is communicated. One warning though: meet with each set of in-laws separately. A separate meeting will promote candor. Don’t personalize the conversation. Focus on your goal to be closer as a couple instead. As believers, we are called to use every opportunity, short of disrupting our family unit, to reach beyond ourselves and show the love of Jesus. Set some goals and make dates to enhance your relationship with your in-laws. Let them see Jesus in your marriage.
Darla had grown to resent Ken’s parents. The new paradigm and the discussion that led to it forced her to admit her misplaced feelings and replace her hidden expectations with healthy ones. The conversations also helped her remember that personal sacrifice is scriptural, too.
Family quarrels are bitter things. They don’t go according to any rules. They’re not like aches or wounds, they’re more like splits in the skin that won’t heal because there’s not enough material. —F. Scott Fitzgerald
Negotiate
Learn to seek middle ground without giving up the essential reasons you are establishing boundaries. When in-laws show up unannounced, don’t slam the door in their faces. Enjoy the moment. There is a significant difference between an incident and a pattern. If it happens again, you should address it by explaining that you appreciate “announced” visits because they _____________ (fill-in the blank). You may wisely choose not to address an incident, but you must address a pattern.
Having parents who care for you is a mixed blessing. When we marry, there is a sense in which the new couple is added to an existing family on both sides. Any assumptions about this “addition” can create conflict. When either or both of the in-laws expect life with their son or daughter to continue as it was before the marriage, you have to respectfully remind them that you’re a family now. As Ken and Darla did, setting your boundaries and clarifying your loyalties will serve to strengthen your marriage, and it might even determine whether you end up living with in-laws or out-laws.
A happy family is but an earlier heaven. —George Bernard ShawTweet this!
1 McGraw, Phillip. Family First: your step by step plan for creating a phenomenal family. New York: Free Press, 2004.
2 Apter, Teri. What Do You Want from Me? Learning to Get Along with In-Laws. New York: Norton, 2010.
