The Pathway from Porn

I find more bitter than death the woman who is a snare . . . .The man who pleases God will escape her, but the sinner she will ensnare. —Ecclesiastes 7:26

“I don’t know what to do! Mary broke up with me. She says our engagement is over.”

Rob was desperate. His secret sin had become public. Mary, his fiancé, had found visited websites on his computer and confronted him. He confessed only to being involved in what he called “harmless voyeurism.” Mary knew it wasn’t harmless. She hardly recognized the godly man she once knew.

Changes had crept into their relationship over the past few months. Two months earlier, he had starting dropping hints about wanting Mary to dress more “attractively.” In the past two weeks he had become more fixated on sexual content in their conversations. And lately, his eye-contact had changed. He said, it was normal, that “couples talk a lot more about sex after they get engaged.” Before finding the websites, Mary had no explanation for these changes she saw in Rob.

Hardcore pornography is the greatest danger this country is facing. Pornography is the leading cause of divorce. … In the next 10 years, we are looking at an avalanche of sex crimes. —Richard Land

After a heated argument, she left him. She was determined to protect herself from the nightmare that pornography creates in the lives of its victims – a nightmare that had already ruined her dreams. Rob, a leader in our church, ended up in my office. As Rob began to explain his actions, I led him through several myths about pornography:

1. It’s just a harmless stress release and education.
2. It only affects me.
3. I can’t control it.
4. Since I’ve already seen some, the damage is already done.

As we finished the list, I reminded him that, despite his calculated and creative posturing, the break-up was his fault alone. Mary had no responsibility to stay in the relationship – her only responsibility was to pray for him.

“I don’t know what to do,” he lamented.

Unfortunately, Rob represents a growing number of Christians who struggle with pornography. In the past, the fear of being caught visiting an “adult bookstore” or an X rated movie kept many from the addiction. With the advent of adult web content, people now indulge their lust instantaneously, without ever leaving home. As a result, pornography is rapidly becoming the biggest problem faced by Christian couples. Since many of its wounds are self-inflicted, most of the painful scar tissue can be avoided.

Addiction research and conversations with hundreds who are struggling with this malady have shown us that accountability groups and secular counseling models aren’t enough. We have become even more convinced that our only workable solutions are found in the ancient counsel of God.

We are now bringing up a generation of boys on cruel, violent porn and given what we know about how images affect people, this is going to have a profound influence on their sexuality, behavior and attitudes towards women. —Dr. Gail Dines

Go Public

Because pornography fosters a life-style accompanied by secrets and deception, Rob’s hope begins with full disclosure. He must see pornography as sin and admit his fascination with it. Minimizing this behavior as anything less than sin is a mistake.

Going public involves confession to God and family. God will forgive and cleanse (I John 1:9-10), but immediate family, individuals who are present day in and day out, will become the source of encouragement and tangible accountability.

Learn to Run

You can often tell how serious a man is about changing his behavior by asking him how much work he is willing to do to improve. Men involved in this sin often describe themselves as victims rather than voluntary participants. They want to be freed from pornography, but expect God to do the hard work. They pray and blame God for not removing the problem. They need to be involved in the Word, prayer, fellowship in a local church, and ministry. But they need to do more.

They need to run. The Apostle Paul implores the believers in Corinth to “flee immorality.” He told Timothy to flee youthful desires (1 Corinthians 6:18 and 2 Timothy 6:18). This advice runs contrary to the common belief that maturity is associated with being able to resist greater sexual temptations. Paul suggests that mature people know when to run. His counsel shadows the story of Joseph, who, when seduced by his employer’s wife, ran. Although his honorable behavior was initially rewarded with a prison sentence and the lonely hours that sometimes test those who have done the right thing, Joseph’s character survived the test and impressed those around him. Eventually, he became a public hero and the leader of efforts that saved millions of human lives. His story supports Paul’s counsel and reminds us that there is honor in running from all forms of sexual temptation (Genesis 40-42).

Work on Spiritual Fitness

Because no human subjected to pornography remains unaffected, Rob needs to get serious about living the Bible he reads. The Apostle Peter asserts that believers who are actively adding goodness (moral excellence), knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love to their lives, will “never fall” (2 Peter 1:5-11). Rob had stopped joining the work of the Holy Spirit in adding these qualities – he had stopped walking the path that leads away from unhealthy addictions.

This is Paul’s point in 2 Timothy 2:20-21. We have a choice in being a “vessel” for noble or ignoble purposes. Impurity, like magnetism, is only a permanent state if we choose to allow the polarities to attract – one picture, one thought at a time. The process of pulling away from the power of pornography involves the kind of obedience that engages the power of the Holy Spirit – the very Spirit who changes the polarity as we join him, one sprint, one mile at a time.

After a lot of hard work, Rob became free from the power of this addiction in his thought life. The fact that he was willing to give up so much of his freedom because he loved her more than himself, changed Mary’s heart. She forgave him and began to see him as a man whose character she could love again. She likes the new Rob. Rob likes the new Rob. Although not every couple will re-engage after pornography damages their sense of intimate trust and their respect for each other, the freedom from the addictive behaviors and the joy of walking with our Lord make joining the work of the Holy Spirit worth every spiritual workout, every difficult step along the pathway from porn.

Getting Started in the Right Direction: A Pathway from Visual Addictions

The following practices have helped many “flee temptation”

1. Memorize I Corinthians 9:27 “Therefore I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; but I discipline my body and make it my slave” and Galatians 5:22-23 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.”
2. If the internet isn’t crucial for working from home, some couples have chosen to answer their email and enjoy the internet together at a library or a coffee shop. Many of them claim this has drawn them “closer” because they’re sharing their email content and search interests with each other. The loneliness that often increases during sin begins to fade, replaced by the friendship aspects of love implicit in marriage.
3. The one who struggles with porn can trade his/her smart phone in for a phone that can’t connect to the internet. This can make the time you spend communicating together more meaningful while it also makes secret searches less opportune. Having the one smart phone still allows you to use important and beneficial apps while you’re together.
4. Have family members, a roommate or a spouse secure a new password to the internet. This way the internet can still be used but only while some other respected individual is in the room.