C.S. Lewis once wrote, “I want God, not my idea of God.” This is such a profound thought, because I believe we are often guilty of shaping God in our minds with our own preferences and wants instead of inviting God to shape our hearts based on His truths and principles. God is more concerned with our character than our comfort, and this truth can run head on into our make believe world where we think God’s primary job is to make us happy.
The same can be true in marriage. We can go into marriage with our own preferences, wants, and idyllic dreams of happiness and perfection only to find reality to be something quite different. Many newlywed couples report being disappointed and frustrated after the first year of marriage. Fortunately this was not the case for me and my wife, but I believe that is because of the wise counsel we received from our pastor before the wedding day. I’m going to share three critical truths that made a significant difference in our first year of marriage and even today after 18 years.
First, be aware of your expectations and communicate those expectations to your spouse, and seek to understand what her (or his) expectations are of you. Think about any time in your life when you became disappointed or frustrated. Frustration is born out of your expectations not being met. You had some idea about how something was supposed to happen or how a person was supposed to behave, and things did not go according to your expectations.
Most newlywed couples haven’t taken the time to consider if they have unrealistic expectations, and the most effective way to align expectations with reality is to communicate those expectations to each other. Here are several areas to discuss together as a couple: children (when you would like to start a family, how many children you would like to have, how you intend to raise your children), chores around the house (who will be responsible for what, what you see yourself taking on and what you see your spouse taking on, who will take out the garbage, who will cook, who will pay bills), finances (how you will maintain a budget, how you will buy things, how you will handle credit cards, where you will live, etc.), career (what you dream of doing in your career and understanding what your spouse dreams of doing), holidays (how will you spend the holidays and where will you spend them), spiritual maturity (how you intend to grow in your walk with the Lord, how as a couple you will grow together), vacations (what you intend to do and where you would like to go), sex and intimacy (what you enjoy, what your spouse enjoys or doesn’t enjoy), etc.
Second, recognize that at some point in your marriage, you will think you married the wrong person. I remember our pastor sharing this advice, and it is very important to recognize that you and your spouse are going to change over time. There will be times in your marriage when you will think, “This is not the same the person I married.” And your spouse will think the same thing. Be prepared to change and accept the fact that your spouse will also change, and this will be a continual process. Over time you will think and behave differently. My wife and I both changed significantly after we became parents. Big life events can alter your perspective and change the way you see things. For couples who are both reading the Bible and praying daily, these changes will actually bring you into a deeper and more intimate relationship with each other. As you change, you will change together, and God will use your strengths and your spouse’s strengths as a great advantage in your marriage.
Third, be prepared that God will use your marriage to change you and mold you into the person He wants you to be. Unfortunately we often fixate on things our spouse should change, but it is important to stop thinking that way. You cannot change your spouse, so instead ask yourself the following questions on a regular basis:
- What is God teaching me in this situation?
- How can I demonstrate my love to my spouse this week?
- What do I need to change to be a better spouse?
If you ask yourself those questions and truly seek the answers, God will speak to you, and He will transform you and your marriage. Having realistic and open expectations, recognizing that you and your spouse will change and focusing on how God is changing you will equip you and your spouse for an amazing marriage and journey together.
