I remember the first time. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I was twenty-three and had been sexually active since I was fifteen, but this was the first time I’d had sex as a married woman.
As I lay there, tears rolling, I realized that God was in this space. He delighted in what was happening here. This sacred space is what had been missing. For during the last eight years of sexual brokenness, what I really craved was this—His presence.
That first night would become a point of reference for me over the years. It would be my place of remembering—remembering that God was okay with this, that He had designed this, that this was a gift from Him to humanity. But most of all, I would remember that the Lord wanted to be invited into my bedroom.
Our early years of marriage were lonely. Something I had once done flippantly, randomly, chaotically, was now difficult. My husband and I struggled to connect in positive ways within our bedroom. Rather than sweet words of affection, harsh accusations flew across covers. Rather than arms and legs entangling, rejection blanketed our asleep. Our bedroom was frigid and neither of us knew how to make it sizzle.
We struggled.
Sex was infrequent.
Intimacy was a foreign language.
As a result, we were distant.
And then, after several years of marriage, I decided enough was enough. Sex felt shameful to me. It made me feel dirty. I wasn’t even sure I was capable of desire. But just to be certain, I embarked on a journey. If God was willing to teach me, I was willing to learn. The looming question was: Why did sex have little appeal?
1. The first thing the Lord showed me was that I was approaching sex from a single angle: physical.
What He had in mind was something more than that, and so he took me into the scriptures and showed me a gem.
Love the Lord with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind.” —Luke 10.27
Heart + Soul + Body + Mind. The sum of these parts equals a whole, but I was approaching sex solely based upon my body. Other parts of me were being left behind. I was absent mentally—totally checked out. I was withdrawn spiritually and hardly discussed what was going on in my life. I was emotionally spent, discontent, and my heart was prone to wander.
What would it look like to fully engage?
So I started with small steps. I tried to stay present mentally and focus on what needs each of us expressed while arguing. I shut down to-do lists during intimacy and tried to stay in the moment. Then I moved on toward heart issues: Why was I discontent? What did I harbor bitterness in our relationship? What would it look like to invite God to love my husband through me today?
2. The second thing the Lord showed me was that He wanted to be invited.
This was totally bizarre at first. I had grown up seeing sex as carnal. It was done under the influence, was rarely remembered, and could happen with anyone at anytime. Very little about my sexual experience prior to marriage was sacred. Why would God want to be invited into my bedroom?
But I obeyed. And during the hardest times, when I felt most like shutting down and turning by back toward my spouse, God reminded me that He approved of this. There was nothing shameful here. It was okay. I could admit enjoyment, desire, and love and not feel less than holy.
3. God asked me to name the lies I believed about sex and exchange them for truth.
This took a very long time as I had a long list of lies. I was disposable. I was replaceable. I was consumable. Substances helped with sex because numbness helped with sex. Performance was necessary. Sex was a commodity and I could exchange it for wants, desires, needs.
These are just a few, but these lies came with me into the bedroom—into my marriage—and it was time to silence them.
Healing took several years of self-examination, but when I look back, I know the journey was worthy. I went from death to life. I went from calloused to be able to feel. What was once aversion is now desire.
And so I ask you today, is the Lord asking to take you on a journey? Is He asking to be invited into your bedroom? What sort of sacred could He bring there if you let Him in?
