My husband’s favorite singer is Van Morrison. In fact, when we got married, I used to joke that Van Morrison was the third partner in our marriage as his music was always playing in the house. Our three daughters know the words to quite a few of his songs off by heart because his music was still being played when they were born. Van Morrison now has competition with the likes of Demi Lovato and Coldplay!
One of his songs, Coney Island, has these words in it:
Out all day birdwatching,
And the ‘crack’ was good.”
My husband had told me that at one stage in his life Van Morrison had committed his life to the Lord, so I found it incongruous that he would be singing about smoking crack (crack is a form of cocaine that can be smoked) but did not want to put a damper on my husband’s enthusiasm for Van so I never mentioned it!
My husband is from Northern Ireland and one year his parents came out to visit us in South Africa. At the supper table one night I asked my father-in-law how his day had been. He replied that he and my mom-in-law had gone for a walk and had met a gentleman on the way and they had got to talking and the “crack had been good.”
I was horrified. Here I was, newly married, and my father in-law was telling me that he had smoked crack with a stranger and that it had been good!!
In the privacy of our bedroom that night I confronted my husband about the fact that his father smoked crack. When he eventually stopped laughing he explained to me that in Ireland ‘crack’ was another word for conversation, only it was spelt ‘craic’, but was pronounced the same way.
If I had only opened my mouth a few years earlier about Van Morrison smoking ‘crack’ this misunderstanding would never have occurred.
This is an example of a very humorous misunderstanding but some misunderstandings and lack of communication between couples can be devastating.
A friend told me that she had attended a party a few weeks ago and had been introduced to a newly married couple. After talking to them for a while about their plans for their future she asked them how many children they would like to have.
The husband and wife replied at the same time:
“Three!” the wife said.
“None!” said the husband.
They then looked at each other in horror.
Everyone present was dumbfounded. No-one could believe, that in this day and age, the question of whether they wanted children and how many, had never been discussed between the couple, before marriage.
My friend questioned them further and discovered that the minister who had married them had not even suggested pre-marriage counseling.
I have no idea how you go about compromising on that issue.
That is one of the most extreme cases I have ever heard of, of non-communication between a couple. On a daily basis, however, couples take offense, are hurt, bewildered and upset about something their partner has said or done and yet they are too scared or nervous to broach the subject or question what was said for fear of appearing insecure, silly, jealous, pitiful … the reasons are infinite.
If you are upset about something your spouse has done or not done, said or not said, you have to broach the subject with them. If you don’t, it will work on your sub-conscious, starting off as a little sore that will eventually fester and grow until it develops into a huge open wound that only a miracle can cure.
Don’t let hurts fester and go untreated. Often, there has just been a misunderstanding or the person has not conveyed everything they meant to say, but you will never discover this unless you confront the person.
When I say confront, I don’t mean attack them verbally. Let a few minutes, or an hour or two go by and then approach them from an “I” basis not a “you” basis with statements like:
- “When you said that, it made me feel embarrassed, and I am not sure exactly what you meant,” or
- “When you behave like that I feel insecure and it worries me, because, I love you and want to feel at one with you.”
Avoid statements like:
- “You make me feel embarrassed,” or
- “You make me feel unloved.”
Accusations usually turn into fights or chilling silences and withdrawn behavior.Tweet this!
No matter how hard it may seem, you need to strive to communicate openly and honestly with your spouse from the word go.
These are the things that you shall do: Speak the truth to one another; render in your gates judgments that are true and make for peace” —Zechariah 8:16
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