What does it mean to be a parent?
It may be easy to assume that the answer to that question has always been the answer, across times and cultures. The values we have as parents, the beliefs we have about ourselves, perhaps we assume they are as indelible as the scriptures themselves.
But that just is not the case. Parenting has changed. Much of what we believe about parenting is very new. We don’t know it though. And even when we are told, we have a hard time believing it.
It took my wife and I a five year journey just to conceive our first child to realize this.
So what is so new about parenting?
What Does It Mean to Be a Parent?
There are certain constants when it comes to parenting. The assumption is that children share a name, a home and a heritage with parents.
But take a look back through history, and you can see that there is not much of what would pass as “good parenting” in twenty-first century America.
Go to the book of Samuel and find the future king of Israel, David. The first time he is introduced, he is off in the fields, tending his father’s herd. A special job, reserved for the youngest son. His father Jesse did not think that was “unsafe.” After all, he did not leave David defenseless; he sent him with a slingshot to ward off wild animals.
Recently, a couple of parents were charged by Child Protective Services for “unsubstantiated neglect” for allowing their two children to walk to a neighborhood park. Perhaps the story makes sense to you, and maybe it does not. But it illustrates a broad shift in what we are being taught as parents.
Yes, our parenting values have changed.
Modern Parent
To be fair, just about everything from the Old Testament era strikes a strong contrast with modern times. But even looking back just a century shows how much American parenting has changed.
At the beginning of the twentieth century, industrialization moved many families to urban cities where “work” for the first time in human history took fathers away from their homes to labor for another man. Children stopped being economic assets and became economic liabilities, mere “mouths to feed.” And so families shrunk.
In the fifties, parents raised their children with the goal of assimilation in mind. They wanted children who were respectable citizens, who were well adjusted with their peers, who did their duty to their country. Those children raised their children to be self-confident, to think of themselves very highly.
And that generation, the self-esteem generation is now raising children. That’s you and I.
We are raising our children, not to fit in, not to be good citizens or to get along with others.
We have been taught to approach parenting by eliminating all the variables.
Eliminating Every Variable
As Cheri and I got deeper and deeper into infertility treatments, the stakes were raised, as well as the costs. The goal each time was that we were going to calculate the myriad of variables that determine whether a baby is born or not, and we were going to eliminate some of them.
The more variables we eliminated, the better chance we had at getting pregnant.
Of course, it did not take us long to see that no matter how many variables we fixed in our favor, we could never get a guarantee. All the treatment, all the money, everything we could do could not rig the game to give us a child.
But we just kept playing the game. We believed that if we worked hard enough, we could win. We could eliminate enough variables to beat the odds.
It also did not take us long to see that we were already being taught how to be parents. We are taught that good parenting is all about getting rid of as many variables as possible. It’s about sniffing out threats in every corner. It’s about protecting children from disappointments or failures. It’s about controlling the outcome of our child’s life so that we can guarantee their happiness and success in life.
Parenting Does Not Come With a Guarantee, But It Does Come With a Promise
The problem of course is that parenting has become something that is neither realistic, nor fulfilling.
Every expectation placed on parents adds a little more weight.
Every variable we try to control whispers to us, “You are failing your child.”
Parenting doesn’t come with a guarantee. But it does come with a promise. The promise is this:
You are not your child’s primary parent. God is. He saw your child before you did. He will see your child long after you do. The things we give our children are very temporary, but the things God gives them are permanent. God loves your child more than your little human heart possibly can. Your child’s happiness and success in life does not depend on attending one more ballet recital or music lesson.
Turn your children over to God.
Entrust them to His care.
Start having fun as a parent again.
