What I’m about to share with you will save you and your spouse so much heart ache in the future. I know this because I was guilty of both of these behaviors and have seen a dramatic improvement as I learned to knock this off. If you see yourself in either or both of these, know that you are not alone, and that change is possible through Christ who now resides inside of you.
1) Don’t compare your spouse to others
You never really know a person until you marry that person. Even living with someone doesn’t bring out the “real me” like marriage does. I notice things about my husband I never would have picked up on when we were dating or engaged. There were little pet-peeves that showed up after a year of marriage that he kept under wraps even that first year or so.
We all tend to compare our own known flaws and weaknesses with the perceived strengths and skills of others. When we get married there is the temptation to do this with our own spouse as well. We compare what we know to be true about them, their flaws, their weaknesses, their shortcomings, their annoying habits, etc. with what we perceive to be true about others; others whom we only see, for the most part, in the light of day and after they’ve had a chance to improve upon their own personally known flaws, blemishes, and weaknesses–including attitudes and outward behaviors. Rather than embracing our spouse as a whole person, when we choose to allow ourselves to compare and critique the gift God has given us in our spouse, we cheat ourselves and our marriage from experiencing the depth of intimacy God offers when we can provide a safe place –the safest place on earth–for our spouse.
Like my pastor, Andy Stanley teaches, “There is no win in comparison.”
2) Don’t try to be your spouse’s Holy Spirit
Not always, but more often than not, when you get to know two individuals that make up a couple, you find that one tends to be a really good rule keeper and the other…not so much. There’s nothing like marriage to reveal both the best and the worst in people. If you tend to be a good role keeper, like me, I want to encourage you to remember that God has not abdicated his throne–not even for a second. You can fulfill your role as a great spouse even more effectively if you’ll remember that the Holy Spirit is the only one qualified to prompt your spouse to change. (For more on this thought: What To Do When Your Spouse Doesn’t Change)
The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance…but your inner disposition. Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in…The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God’s grace, you’re equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don’t run aground.” (I Peter 3:1-7, The Message)
When you find yourself comparing your spouse to others or taking the Holy Spirit’s job upon yourself, take a deep breath and pray through the exhale to the One who gives you strength to relinquish that control. And, as always, if your situation necessitates wise counsel from a professional, don’t withhold that help from yourself or your marriage.
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