There is a large, white-paned window in our dining room. It looks out into a wide tree-lined courtyard that is brilliant during each season. Our dining table is near the window, the very table where I am sitting at now. In this autumn and springtime months (the winter is too cold and the summer is too warm), I open the window to let in fresh air. The window unlocks and opens easily; that is I can push it open without too much strength or help. Closing it, on the other hand, is a bit more difficult. It takes all of my strength and several tries to push shut and then to lock the window—this process can even involve a few choice words told to the window and an attempt at kicking it shut with my heal.
This morning, as I opened the window, it came to me that opening and closing this window is comparable to conflict in relationships—relationships with other people, God and ourselves.
It is quite easy to open up a conflict caused by a poor decision. For example, it is pretty easy to spit out an ugly word during a conversation with spouses or family members, to entertain negative thoughts and emotions, to keep just a little bit more of something for ourselves, to overlook a situation or person that could use our help, to violate trust, to complain incessantly, to drink a bit too much, to not follow through on a commitment, to cut corners at work etc. I’m sure that you can think of many other ways.
On the other hand, like the window, it is not as easy to close and lock those conflicts. Oftentimes, in my own experience, it is very difficult and even painful. Closure through reconciliation can be a process taking more than one attempt.
Last night, my husband and I had a hard conversation. Since I am usually the one with the looser tongue, my words made the conversation hard. Following a back and forth inner debate—to speak or not to speak—out flowed disrespectful words topped off with a condescending tone. Here’s a snippet of the ugliness…
Why is it so hard for you to express to me what’s going on in your mind? Why can’t you initiate this more often? Is there a reason you didn’t want to hang out with me (He actually did invite me to spend time with him—but not doing something that I wanted to do!)? Why is everything always my fault, and you are always perfect?
As the tears started to stream down my face, I turned away. My sweet husband didn’t holler back angry words or accuse me the way I accused him. He said that he was going to go for a walk then, as he put on his jacket and saw my tears, he came to hug me and took me with him on a walk. He held my hand the whole way.
Admittedly, throwing that one open required little effort. I made a wrong decision and created an avoidable conflict with my incredibly graceful husband. On our walk, and after we arrived home, I prayed quietly about what I could do or say to reconcile with him. Oh Lord, I did it again. Why can’t I just keep my big mouth shut? Help us to reconcile, forgive and grow from this conflict. He made it clear that I would need to do some things to close this “window:”
- Listen to my husband without interjecting.
- Ask for forgiveness.
- Stop talking so much.
- Don’t let my emotions rule my decisions.
Not only will adopting those changes take time and patience, but also help.
A few weeks ago, I discovered help in the form of a hammer. I ran to where we keep our tools and grabbed the large hammer. Heavy in my hands, the tool gave me the bit of extra power needed to shut and lock the window tight.
Like the hammer helps me to close the dining room window, help is also available in other areas of life, like in our relationships. For me, that help comes through the power of Jesus.
He is our help and our shield… Psalm 33:20
And He is my hammer!
Image credit: choreograph / 123RF Stock Photo
