I was sitting in the driver’s seat of my car. My husband was replacing one of the front brakes.
“Pump the brake pedal until it gets hard to push.” He called out. I’d pump the brake and then hold it until he told me to release it. This procedure went on several more times before the brake was completely installed.
This was not the first time I’ve done this. He adjusts the mechanism. I pump the pedal. We both work consecutively on the tension in the brakes until they work.
Tension is nothing new in my marriage. Normal circumstances and demands in life wear us down. We need adjustment.
Most of the time it is the little distractions and disturbances that have built up and caused us to become disconnected, irritable and frustrated. Lately, we’ve had some unexpected expenses that have come at a bad time along with work travel, demanding job expectations and family members that require some additional TLC. It’s easy to see why tension has slipped in but not always as a bad thing.
This is how life works. Being a human being and functioning in society requires energy. We grow tired, scared or frustrated and it comes out in how we treat one another. To pretend that everyday tension doesn’t exist is to live in marital denial. It’s how we live in the tension that matters.
I have wonderful parents. I really love them. They have repeatedly opened themselves up and asked my siblings and I to examine our upbringing to see if they could have done something better. (You have to love people who have the courage to ask tough questions like these.) One area that I have been honest about was their lack of conflict. My parents by nature are very compatible but they felt that showing any real sign of disconnect or frustration between them was not good. My mom held her tongue and her emotions and wouldn’t confront issues when the situation was appropriate. My father grew accustomed to having everything function in accordance to his wishes. If they weren’t, he would become quiet until the tension passed by. There was not room for tension between them.
My parents masked their tension so when it showed up in my marriage I was stunned and scared. Thankfully, my husband was a little better at handling tension than I was. This helped take the fear out of dealing with it. As our relationship has grown I began to look at tension in a new way.
Tension is a symptom that something is not working as it should. When car brakes begin to wear down they squeak. It doesn’t mean that they are going to fail at the first squeak but rather it’s a signal that they need looking into. If you wait too long it creates further problems. The routers could get ruined and then your brakes could possibly go out on you.
Tension is like a squeaking brake. It comes from all different sources. Physical health, work stress or demands, lack of rest mentally or relationally, addictions or unhealthy habits, financial concerns, children, unmet needs, un-discussed expectations or conflicts, there are many things that can cause tension to gradually slip into a marriage. We often don’t realize that everyday life stresses build upon one another. Often times the tension between spouses may not have anything to do with one another, it could be due to outside factors.
God uses tension to help us better pay attention to one another. Another way to say it is that tension helps us become better at marriage. God has led me to find some helpful practices that equip me to relate well to my husband when unavoidable tension exists.
Pause and pray when tension rises. Ask God to reveal what is really going on. Ask Him to reveal a good way to approach your differences. This may take some prayer and searching scripture. It’s not always easy to discern how to follow Christ into tension. Invite Him into the situation.
Examine your own body, mind and soul. Are you physically feeling well? Are you tired? Do you feel worn down or dried up? Is there a situation in your life that is taking more out of you than perhaps you realized? Could your own lack of mental, spiritual or physical health be contributing to the tension?
Think of your spouse. What is going on in their life? How have they been feeling? Do you see weariness in their eyes? Be willing to see things from their perspective.
Be slow to speak. Think carefully about what comes out of your mouth.
Move with gentleness. Don’t stomp, slam doors or throw pillows out of frustration. Control your physical urges.
If you feel irritable and know it’s not because of anything your spouse has said or done, be honest. Tell them you are crabby. Explain why if necessary.
If conflict resolution is needed, be the first to listen. Ask clarifying questions before you react. Give your spouse the space and grace to clearly say what they mean. They may need to rephrase what they are feeling once or twice in order to fully explain themselves. You may find that you understand your spouse more than you realize.
Laugh if something is funny. Often times something silly happens when we try to stew in frustration. Find the humor in the small things. It can diffuse tension.
Be OK with the tension, it often doesn’t get resolved right away. It may take time for you to understand. Do not overreact or lash out during this time. It will make things worse.
Tension in marriage is normal. It is a symptom that something needs attention. It could be as simple as someone’s need for more rest, time with the Lord, or fun. It could be more complex like unresolved conflict in the marriage. Don’t panic but don’t ignore it either. God can use it to make you better in your marriage.
