The last time I wrote, I posed this question: Wouldn’t it be nice if our first inclination was to love our spouse in the way he or she needed to be loved?
Let’s probe that a bit deeper.
First, wouldn’t if be nice if our first inclination was to love another? Secondly, wouldn’t it be nice if our first inclination was to love our spouse in the way he or she needed to be loved? If we do not first choose to love, we can forget about choosing and applying the right love language.
Let’s be honest: Our first desire is to love ourselves.
You don’t believe me? Who does your eye naturally drift toward when you look through family pictures?
Whose point of view do you see first in a discussion or argument?
Why do most divorces begin with one or both spouses having the thought, “I am not getting what I need in this relationship…”?
When there is credit, glory, or approval to be taken, how eager are you to share it or reflect it?
In response to a Pharisee who tests him about the greatest commandment, Jesus answers, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
Our inevitable answers to my questions above reveal how far we are from Jesus’ call to love God and others. Every last one of us has a PhD in ourselves. Worse, our post-doctoral work is to perfect the art of disguising our selfishness. Subconsciously we plot for ways to elevate our own agendas over those of others.
Many times in his first four years of marriage, Mitchell brought his wife flowers after work. Jennifer smiled when she saw the roses in a vase on the dining room table. Her joy disappeared when she learned he merely wanted sex.
In another marriage, Josie worked hard to maintain the house for her husband when he returned from weekly business trips. A mother of four, she even skipped personal rest time to make sure the house was clean and uncluttered when Mark walked through the door. But he did not feel loved. Josie’s motivation seeded from a fear of conflict and a codependence that sought to self-preserve herself by pleasing others. When she cleaned, she soothed herself.
Both Mitchell and Josie’s actions lacked the vitality to offer life because their intentions were inwardly directed. They both failed to love their respective spouses despite presenting behavior that looked really good. Interestingly enough, both the flowers and clean house would have received plenty of likes on Facebook.
Selfish strategies to disguise motivations work far better outside of the home. Marriage and family tend to be the intimate settings where motivations are exposed. Our spouses and children have eyes to see through behavior to what lies beneath: character. And Christlike behavior and Christlike character can be completely different things.
Christlike character is motivated by love and sacrifice. But selfish motivation can produce Christlike behavior, too. In our natural state apart from the grace of God, loving our spouse is not our first language.
Love as a Second Language
In 4th grade, a few Japanese students joined my class when their families immigrated to the United States. Moving to a new school is hard enough, but these kids moved to a new country–one where English was their second language, hence the term ESL (English as a Second Language).
So how about love as a second language? The human heart must learn to love similarly to my Japanese classmates who had to learn English. It is not our first impulse. Like countless ESL students, how can husbands and wives work to make love rather than self their first language?
Nothing short of a redeemed and restored heart can fully love selflessly. And that isn’t happening this side of heaven. But there are steps we can take to join the sanctification process.
Assess your own maturity…In Psalm 139, David cries out, “Search me, God, and know my heart.” Honest response to accurate self-reflection will reveal a mix of self-centeredness, self-righteousness, and self-deceit. Conviction is the only mature response to taking an inside look at the motivations of our heart. To believe that you have mastered the ability to love God and others only reveals your own immaturity.
Learn your heart…How is it that you present Christlike behavior without Christlike character? What cups have you washed on the outside without caring to soap the grimy inside (Luke 11:39)? Where do you get style points for looking like a great spouse when love of yourself is really your motivation? When do you look for others to solve the pain and disappointment in your own heart? Where do you manipulate others to meet your needs and demands?
Enter the Process…A client once began a list of community service projects as response to being convicted of her own selfish addictions. While I admired her passion, I surmised such a move would merely rearrange her selfishness into the belief that she could change herself from the outside-in. The path of transformation is a cycle of conviction, repentance, and trust in God to do what only God can do. With that belief, the pressure is off of you to control your own transformation. You are free to repent and trust.
Love of God and others, including our spouse, will never become our first instinct this side of heaven. It will always be our second language until God completes the work He has begun in us (Philippians 1:6). But that does not have to stop us from entering the process. Conviction of our selfishness has the ability to propel us toward repentance and an acceptance of grace that we take into relationships as humble and broken creatures teachable to the way of love.
