I read a quote on Twitter recently (where better to find them, right?) which said,
“Shame says, I hate me. Discipline says, I’ve got to fix me.
God says, I love you; let me restore you.”
@ChristinaMarlin
While this quote is SO good on its own, and for us as individuals, it also speaks volumes to those of us who are dating, engaged, married, or want to be married. Let’s look briefly at how this speaks to relationships where romance is involved (at least) and oneness is sought after (at most).
“I hate my marriage.” ~ Shame
I love the tagline for StartMarriageRight.com “Enjoy the wedding. Love the marriage!” Unfortunately, the reason it’s so good is because far too many couples spend more time, money, resources, and energy on preparing an incredible wedding than they do preparing, planning, and investing in what the wedding simply begins: a lifetime spent with another human being. Facts are our friends, and when every statistic reveals that Christian marriages are ending at an even higher rate than those marriages that do not claim to include Jesus Christ as the center of the relationship, it’s time we pay attention—but only if we want a marriage that outlasts all the attacks and challenges raised against it.
Do you find yourself hating what your marriage has become? Often the source of this negative feeling is comparison: comparing your reality to others’ perceived reality. The truth is that no matter how much of someone else’s story you know (i.e. marriage quality), you don’t know the whole story. Comparison kills because it’s fueled by shame. Shame that says what we have isn’t good enough because who we are (individually, as a couple, or as a family) isn’t enough.
“I’ve got to fix my marriage.” ~ Self-initiated, self-sustained discipline.
Here’s where a lot of us get into trouble. We feel the angst of what we know to be true and what we wish were true, so we pull ourselves (and oftentimes our spouse) up by the bootstraps and get to work. We read all the books we can and listen to all the speakers we can who promise to fix or change our marriage if only we’ll do these listed steps. The steps may very well be practical and helpful; but if our motivation is based upon shame, “I must fix my spouse so that I can be OK…,” then we set ourselves and our spouse up for shame upon shame as we experience failure time and again.
“God loves me. God loves my spouse. He alone brings genuine restoration.” ~ Voice of Grace
What if, instead of shaming ourselves and/or our spouses into change, what if instead of beating ourselves up via self-initiated, self-sustained discipline, we begin to walk in faith (trusting God)?
…that we are deeply loved by God…
…that our spouse is also deeply loved by God…
…that our journey together isn’t ultimately about us individually, or even us as a couple, but about an adventure of faith where we learn to live out of the identity God has given us?
I’ve told people for years—and this is absolutely the truth—Stephen Hendrix is the icing on the cake for me; he isn’t the cake! In other words, he isn’t my all-in-all. We have been married for 13 years and we have walked through some very, very deep, dark valleys. In fact, we’ve been in one now for a while, and there’s no real end in sight. My husband struggles with anxiety and depression and a past drug/alcohol addiction. I struggle with my own emotions, need to be perfect, desire for control, and past experiences with men that have created some serious trust issues. You can take it to the bank that we have had to learn the value of surrendering to God’s will and timing when it comes to seeing desired change in one another.
Trusting that God has a good plan for my life, my husband’s life, and our marriage frees me up to trust God when my husband isn’t meeting the needs I want him to meet. It isn’t easy, but who ever said life would be? Learning to allow God’s grace to reign over my marriage truly makes all the difference and frees my heart to love, accept, and show grace to my spouse. Shame has no place in Christian marriage.
P.S. As always, please note that if you and/or your spouse need more individualized and professional help, there is NO shame in that either. Don’t wait. Get help!
