If I’d known how tough the first few years of our marriage would be and how often I’d need to hear a voice of wisdom on the other end of the line, I’d have doubled—even tripled—my bridesmaids. My husband and I were not one of those newlywed couples comprised of two self-confident and spiritually healthy individuals. Instead, we entered marriage scarred from previous relationships. We each had buttons which, when pressed, short-circuited tempers. We struggled with security in each other and insecurities within ourselves. Our identities had not yet fully matured and co-dependence played a large factor in our hasty engagement. We drove each other crazy, but we were both crazy enough to endure. Even more insane is that our friends stuck by our side during the growth process.
It turns out that we live in community with one another for a reason and that even our marriages benefit from the body of Christ. While we all recognize the vital importance of marrying our best friend, we don’t immediately recognize how important it is to continue to cultivate friendships outside of our marriage.
In fact, quite the opposite can happen. As marriage spans the years, children are more apt to overflow the apartment and spill into a mortgage. Careers are more likely to stretch the hands of the work clock wide in an attempt to consume more than their share. Stressors appear larger as the risk of loss increases at an equal rate with life’s acquisition and possessions. Unless we carve out space for healthy friendships, life won’t appear to have room for even one. more. person.
Truly, there is a reason we surround ourselves with family and friends on our wedding day, and we must resist the temptation to isolate ourselves after the event. Other than our relationship with Jesus, our marriage is the only other relationship on earth rooted in covenant love. Why would we imagine we can live out this covenant alone? Why would we try to do this without the body of Christ refining us?
After eleven years of marriage, my husband and I agree on two things. Date nights are paramount and mutual friends make life more fun. We’ve moved quite a bit over the last several years, but have been fortunate to make solid friendships in most places we’ve lived. We’ve gone to painting parties, muscled up for moving days, been on-call sibling care for middle-of-the-night births, shared accountability, laughed, spent holidays together, tree-hunted with one another, climbed some rocks, pitched some tents, and countless other memories. We’ve more than gotten by with a little help from our friends, and our marriage is better because of it.
Below is a list recounting just a few of the ways our covenant with each other has been made stronger by community:
- The quintessential moving day would not be the same without friends, pizza, and a U-haul. If you’re military, pastoral, or simply nomadic in nature—you’re going to need help from some friends. Yet the friendly assistance goes well beyond the loading/unloading of trucks and the cringing at rattling boxes. When those first months pass and our new routine has left empty slots of time and room for loneliness, there are only so many times my spouse can offer presence and encouragement. In these seasons, it has been the ridiculous generosity and willingness of friends to come visit that has carried me through until new roots are established and I’m not feeling so dry in the relationship department.
- Recently, my husband and I went through a season of short-tempers and snippiness with each other. When either of us tried to bring it up in conversation—you guessed it—we responded with short tempers and snippiness. The Lord used three friends—back-to-back—to speak into our marriage and name the issue they saw as the culprit. I cannot over-exaggerate the freedom I felt as soon as I realized they were right. Thank goodness for some help from our friends.
- Friends are often granted access to areas uninhabited by our spouses. My husband and I talk vision. We can spend hours discussion ministry, kids, education, dreams, and projects. I love our talks. They energize me and motivate me to move forward into something big. They spur me deeper beyond myself. But there are still arenas of conversation which my girlfriends and I will enter, but my husband and I will not. These arenas—when entered with godly friends who speak truth and listen well—are often places of self-examination and growth. I need this part of community as it makes me a better spouse, parent, and participant in the kingdom of God.
- Friends remind us to take a break and have fun. We get into the routine of life—raising children, serving our community, and growing the church—and we forget to have fun. One of my most favorite memories will forever be the Thanksgiving that our friends drove six hours with their four children to invade our home for the holidays. I think the adults had more fun than the nine kids which filled our home. We laughed, we dreamed, we shared stories, and I was just so grateful for the friendship which was willing to endure chaos so that we can continue to do this thing called “life” together.
- Friends remind us to cultivate interests, and interests offer an arena into which we can invite our spouse. Routine is once again the culprit—threatening to stifle romance and spontaneity. Several years ago my husband had a group of buddies with whom he’d go ice-climbing with on a Saturday morning. We moved before he could talk me into enduring the cold and joining him, but his excitement to join them reminded me of the outdoorsman I had married. I realized how alive he was when he was outdoors. I continue to return to this image of him—flushed cheeks, cramp-ons, and crazy overall climbing pants—when I plan dates. That outdoorsy man is crazy attractive to me and I want to spend more time with him in that area of interest which brings him alive.
So when you say “I do” make sure you refrain from “I don’t” with the friends. Continue to cultivate those friendships as a couple. Invite friends for dinner. Raise your kids together. Paint the walls in each other’s first homes. Live life together because there will be many days when, looking back you’ll realize you got by with a lot of help from your friends.
