Perhaps you have experienced this scenario with your spouse:
“What do you think of dinner, honey?” you ask happily, mentally patting yourself on the back for preparing a gourmet dinner that turned out just like the recipe you saw online.
He (on the other hand) doesn’t seem all that impressed. “It’s okay,” he mumbles. “The sauce on the meat tastes a little funny,” he asks while making a big production of sniffing the food on his plate. “You know I’m not a big fan of green beans without cheese to cover them up. I need the steak sauce … can you scrap this stuff off the meat? Why do we have these little ring things on the napkins?”
You feel crushed for all the effort and not to mention valuable time you put into preparing a romantic dinner … and then not receiving any validation from your sweetie, who is not acting very graciously. You definitely feel the impulse to launch into a pouting attack for payback. “Can’t you just take a bite?” you whine. “I spent all afternoon fixing this feast just for you.”
He sniffs at the meal again with a twisted expression on his face, shaking his head. “Hey, isn’t there some of that barbecue from last night left over?” he says. “I’ll eat that instead.”
You stomp off, exasperated. Mumbling, you exclaim, “I can never do anything right!” Immediately, you start the silent treatment and contemplate just how long you should punish him for not appreciating the meal. Slamming the refrigerator door to get the leftovers and as many cabinets you can find to toss this new meal together, you loudly display your hurt, disappointment and anger.
Meanwhile, he’s waiting at the dinner table — clueless. “Are you mad or something?”
Granted and thankfully, the man in your life may not be this unobservant. However, if you’ve been married for any given amount of time, you know similar situations arise. It is important to remember that communicating negative feelings effectively and timely is a valuable component in growing a strong connection. These exchanges are not reflections of your worth and value in the relationship nor is it a measure of his love for you. Couples who learn how to cultivate an atmosphere of sharing both positive and negative feelings are those who feel the most fulfilled.
One key factor to consider when you or your loved one raises a complaint is its purpose. Exploring what you hope will happen by voicing your preferences is cause for reflection.
In this scenario, your significant other could have been more observant and in tune with the expression of love he was shown through the preparation of a special meal. Eating the meal would have been the gracious, loving response to a gesture of affection. The added benefit would have been the creation of another positive memory as a couple. The accumulation of feel good moments play an important role in the longevity and fulfillment of a relationship. Graciousness toward each other is a choice as is harshness. You may have also shown your love in a manner that required effort outside a comfort zone to communicate your desire for an increase in emotional intimacy. On the other hand, backdoor attempts to gain closeness before voicing your emotional needs can lead to disappointment. Your guy may believe status quo is working just fine and you want to build a stronger connection. Without nurturing your marriage, a safe place to complain cannot be established and the cycle of defensiveness continues.
So how do you — as a couple — break out of this cycle? Here are a few communication tips:
Develop mutual trust. This seems like a given: a couple assumes a foundation of truth and honesty from each other, but the norm in many relationships is avoiding hot button topics. Tiptoeing around emotional land mines only pushes unresolved issues internally. These issues have not disappeared simply because of the silent agreement of not talking about them. The best way to develop mutual trust is to discuss uncomfortable topics, reach a conclusion and use those experiences as a foundation to build your relationship.
Create a protected emotional environment. An overall atmosphere of security allows you to voice your preferences without suffering repercussions. Sometimes it is the little nuances we all have that grate on each other’s nerves that one would like to share. These should not be personal attacks and not received as he-doesn’t-love-me-anymore thoughts. Each person should have a right to complain with dignity without suffering a penalty for that honesty. When one takes everything personally, the only behavior that flourishes is dishonesty.
Learn how to express love to each other. You feel your spouse’s love for you when he gives up his football afternoon to go shopping, which he really does not care for. You love that quality time. He experiences your love when you give him a back rub without him begging for one. He loves your touch. The tendency is to give love in the manner we want to receive it. Selfless love is key to developing a safe complaining zone.
Turning complaining into expressing preferences and reaching doable solutions can be achieved in marriage. The result? Closer emotional intimacy, open dialogues and sensitivity to each other’s feelings which will lead to an overall higher satisfaction and fulfillment in love.
