In the young life of my and Joe’s marriage—our 6 month anniversary was on December 1—we have learned a few bits of wisdom that help maintain peace in our home. This morning, as I prayed for the Lord to show me Scripture that would be helpful for my readers, two verses from Proverbs 18 certainly are helpful for my own marriage. Perhaps they will be for yours too:
A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city and quarreling is like the bars of a castle…death and life are in the power of the tongue. – Prov. 18:19 & 21a
Let me begin unpacking that with a story from our marriage…
Riding bikes down the bumpy main road of Placencia, Belize, Joe and I searched for a lunch spot on the beach. It was the weekend when the small village came alive. More tourists were out and so more locals were out trying to sell their goods. A bit too hungry and ready to rest from the heat, we locked our bikes up at a casual outdoor restaurant. We noticed men, women and children walking along the pathways and beaches with backpacks filled with souvenirs. One man approached us in the restaurant and Joe started a conversation with him. My husband enjoys asking questions and is very good at engaging people. I thoroughly admire that about him. In that moment, though, I was hungry, tired and annoyed with the situation—I’ve learned that combo screams trouble if I don’t pray right then…I didn’t. Eventually, the man made his pitch about the souvenirs he wanted to sell us. I could feel the guilt wash over me as I didn’t want to buy the items but didn’t want to say “no.” I tried to look aloof and distracted by the ocean, hoping that Joe would leave me out of the conversation. Instead, he turned around in his chair; the man fixed his gaze on me as well.
And Joe said, “I’ll leave it up to my wife to make the decision. Do you want anything?”
I was mortified and angry. “No thanks,” I said. They continued to look at me for a few long seconds and then Joe had to explain that we did not want to buy from him.
“Did you really have to drag me into that?” I said. “You put me on the spot!”
“I truly wanted to know if you wanted something.”
I glared at him and said, “You knew I wouldn’t want anything.”
Joe then grew frustrated that I thought him to be ill-intentioned. The waiter brought our food and other than, “Can I have some of your ketchup?” we mostly ate in silence. At least the food was good. Later we reconciled and discovered that I completely misjudged Joe’s intentions. He too better understood the trigger for my emotions.
A whole bunch of wrong happened in that situation, majorly rooted in my being easily offended and flippant with my words. Before diving into the below points, I am writing with the understanding that there is a difference between a healthy argument and irrational offense and quarreling, or what I like to refer to as nagging or bickering. With that said, here are 5 things I learned about offense:
- It is easier to become offended when basic needs aren’t met. While not an excuse to behave in a rude way, our chances for better understanding about a situation are far better when we are rested and nourished. So, try not to let yourself get too hungry and worn out. Get plenty of sleep (easier said than done for some people).
- Offensiveness is insistent and unwilling to bend (…more unyielding than a strong city). When we let ourselves take offense to something our spouses do or say, it sends the message that, “I care more about my security and protection than about trying to defend and understand you.” Many times we need to defend our spouses against our own feelings. When you feel yourself starting to get offended, try remembering that, most likely, your spouse did not intend to hurt your feelings. Then, ask him or her a question to find out what they meant. Miscommunication is usually the culprit.
- Offensiveness often leads to harsh words. When we are insistent on our own way of thinking and stubborn in our thought process, our verbal response is not life giving or encouraging to our spouse. (…death and life are in the power of the tongue). Try not talking under heightened emotions. You can even communicate that to your spouse, “Right now, I might not be able to speak gently, so would you mind if we waited to talk until I’m more calm?” They’ll probably respond with a “yes.”
- Offensiveness often causes a destructive argument (…quarreling is like the bars of a castle). When we offend someone else, from my own experience, we wonder what we did or said to elicit such a response. We feel the resistance and are tempted to defend ourselves. So, when we respond in an offensive way, we are not setting our spouse up for a successful conversation but rather a bitter argument.
- Becoming easily offended and quarrelsome does not honor God or our spouse. As seen in Scriptures like Proverbs 18 & 21 (amongst others such as Prov. 19:13, 4: 23, 12:13 or Matt. 12:36) God does not desire for us to use harsh and angry words, nor to be nagging, irritable and ‘on edge’ toward our spouses. Practically, while we cannot control our husband or wife, we can work at refraining from nit picking his or her every word and behavior, and instead looking for the good things they say or do, and then encouraging them in those things. None of us have “arrived” and will fail again, so let us praise our Father for His abundant grace and for His unfailing wisdom…
A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city and quarreling is like the bars of a castle…death and life are in the power of the tongue.” – Prov. 18:19 & 21a
