A whole new generation of Christians has grown up believing that it is possible to ‘accept’ Christ without forsaking the world” — A.W. Tozer
Although Tozer wrote those words in 1948, they seem even more accurate today—especially in the area of sexual purity. Many couples who have “accepted Christ” comment that they see no reason to “forsake” the world’s ideas about sex—no reason to wait for intimacy until after marriage.
Starting marriage right involves enjoying the gifts God packaged in purity.”
Certainly part of “starting marriage right” includes enjoying the gifts God packages in purity. But, we need to know what those are in order to celebrate them, enjoy them and express our gratitude for them (Colossians 3:17). If we didn’t wait, then it’s important to know the gifts we’re missing so we can talk with God about each of them—and because of His amazing grace—enjoy them one day. Celebrating purity involves considering what sexual self-control protects us from and for.
PART I: What Sexual Purity Saves Us From
Amanda and Jason grew up in a Christian environment where sex outside of marriage was immoral, unwise and demonstrated a lack of self-control. They believed that this prohibition was naïve and outdated. “How can sex between two people who love each other be wrong?” they questioned. So, they chose to move in with each other.
What surprised them almost immediately was the fact that they really enjoyed each other. They waited for punishment from God, but it never came. “See,” they thought, “God really doesn’t care about this issue . . . certainly not as much as the church led us to believe.”
When they set a wedding date, they contacted the pastor of their church. In order for any of the pastors of the church to marry them, they had to agree to 8 sessions of premarital counseling, so they began the process of filling out the questionnaire. When they got to the section that asked for their home address, they decided to be honest about everything, after all, “what could it change now?” They openly admitted they were living together.
A week after filing their premarital counseling applications, they received a call from the pastor’s office asking to set up a meeting. When they arrived, they immediately sensed a problem. The pastor had read through their application and was disheartened that they were sexually active.
He shared several passages from the Bible about purity and described the biblical consequences of ignoring the Holy Spirit’s counsel. He finished by saying that the church could not begin premarital counseling without their getting separate places to live. He added that they needed to stop any further sexual contact until after they were married.
Amanda cried. Jason exploded. Both left refusing to adhere to such “draconian” requirements. Later that month the couple found a church in a neighboring community who would marry them without counseling.
Marty and I (Rich) grew up in a culture that embraced the benefits of abstinence. What Hollywood presented as normative sexual behavior, the majority of Americans rejected. They found it shocking. Today all of that has changed. To use the language of Patrick Morley in, The Man in the Mirror, many Christians have moved from being “biblical Christians” to being “cultural Christians.”
Cultural Christianity means to pursue the God we want instead of the God who is … wanting Him to be more of a gentle grandfather type who spoils us and lets us have our own way. … It is wanting the God we have underlined in our Bibles without wanting the rest of Him, too. It is God relative instead of God absolute.*
Amanda and Jason had missed the admonition offered by Paul; “See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ” (Colossians 2:8).
So what does sexual purity protect us from?
…from Isolation
Several years later, Amanda and Jason found themselves disenchanted with their marriage and alone. When they rejected God’s standard for their lives, they also inadvertently communicated to their family and friends that they were rejecting their help as well. And, when they left their church for a more progressive congregation, they began experiencing a more regressive love. They also became isolated from Christ’s “principles” which have at their core two of the most telling of God’s desires: first, to give us the best gifts, and second, to protect us from experiences that diminish sexual delight.
…from Arrested Relational Development
Amanda and Jason’s ideas about pre-marital sex also injured their respect and trust for each other – damaging two of the greatest human components of authentic and engaging love. Amanda felt “a growing distance” between them which Jason interpreted as “disrespect.” He wanted to be someone she “admired” but that was hard to do, since he wasn’t able to, as she put it, “control his urges.” A woman feels protected and cherished by a man who can wait, and as a result, the man feels respected and loved.
The ability to subordinate an impulse to a value is the essence of the proactive person” – Stephen Covey
At first blush, a few of their friends expected the marriage to struggle because “God punishes sinners.” But other friends, in considering the character of God, encouraged Amanda and Jason with the reminder that God’s first response to human sin is weeping. The Holy Spirit grieves over our sin, and if we continue to ignore him, we “quench” his activity in our lives (I Thessalonians 5:19). God longs to protect us from the reparations of impurity – the distrust and disrespect – the arrested relational development that follows when we walk away from the One who created love.
…from Shallow Communication
In a normal dating relationship, couples learn how to speak their minds, how to disagree with maturity, and how to love non-possessively. Sex outside of the commitments of marriage interrupts this process. It blinds a couple to the possibility that this person may not be the life partner they need. The purely pleasurable aspects of sex also impede honest and meaningful discussion. Short-term conversations and immediate physical satisfaction replace the deep, enjoyable conversations that benefit a couple in the long-term.
…from Guilt-based Decision-making
Amanda confesses that she felt guilty having sex before marriage. Sitting with me in a divorce lawyer’s office, she said, “I knew the moment I walked down the aisle that I didn’t really trust Jason. I didn’t respect his lack of self-control – or my own. I knew he was not the person I wanted to spend my life with. And, actually, when I think about it now, I think having sex before marriage made me feel less pretty and desirable – and that because Jason had participated with me, he was the best I could hope for.”
Sexual purity insulates us from arrested relational development – from distrust, disrespect, shallow communication, self-control issues, low self-esteem and guilt-based decision-making – All things our loving, righteous, and all knowing God knew would hurt us.
Jesus reminded us that even our lustful thoughts judge us, and because they do, even those of us who waited until the honeymoon, need forgiveness, healing and restoration. He also knows we can’t do this obedience thing on our own. So, He gives us his personal righteousness — assuring that the benefits of sexual purity can start the moment we confess our sin (I John 1:9).
In our next article (Part 2) we’ll explore what sexual purity protects us for. But for now, Pascal’s celebrated quote about “desire” makes a fitting conclusion for an article about sex. He wrote,
Perfect are the good desires you have given me. Be their end, as you have been their beginning.”
*Patrick M. Morley, The Man In The Mirror. Wolgemuth & Hyatt Publishers, Brentwood, Tennessee. 1989, page 33.
