For Rick and Linda, both of their first marriages were destroyed by selfishness that masqueraded as “needs.” Linda’s husband was narcissistic—everything was about meeting his needs, including his gambling and sexual addictions. For Rick, his first wife left him for another man whom she thought would meet her “needs” better than Rick could. Rick was then faced with the responsibility of caring for his kids alone.
It’s important to understand the needs you and your spouse have and discern the differences between wants or desires and real needs. This can help you know how to meet your mate’s needs. Since unmet needs can cause a lot of frustration, misunderstanding, and conflict, avoid some of those pitfalls is critical to making your marriage strong.
Once you recognize the specific needs each of you has, you can then communicate and work toward meeting them. If you know how to successfully meet each other’s needs, you’ll develop a strong, second marriage that will be satisfying and fulfilling.
What’s the difference?
The difference between needs and wants is often difficult to discern. The marketing media says that you “need” everything they advertise, and you “need” it now! They can confuse us into thinking that a want is really a need.
For each couple, there are different wants or needs (big and small) that must be negotiated. Making healthy decisions for your marriage will often require setting aside wants in order to meet legitimate needs. And when kids and all their needs are involved, it very often requires a lot of sacrifice—from everybody!
For Dale and me, our needs were more emotional than material. I need to feel safe and secure, and Dale needs to feel respected and appreciated. So Dale works hard to assure me that I’m safe with him and secure in our relationship, while I make sure to appreciate and respect him in all he does. This way, we serve each other and meet each other’s deepest needs, thus deepening our love for one another.
That’s why it’s so important to identify your real needs, as individuals and as a couple. And then there are the needs of the children!
Taking a long-term view of blending-family life and working from there is an important first step. Then choosing, daily, to unselfishly meet each other’s needs—and giving grace when one of you falls short—is another critical component.
What do I expect?
Though we can never expect our spouse to meet all our needs, we can assess our needs and communicate them to him or her. First we have to figure out if they are valid needs or just selfish desires. Understanding the underlying feelings, experiences, pain or scars that developed those needs can help us to be conscious, compassionate and better able to meet those needs.
Each person’s emotional needs change over time, so you’ll need to adjust as the years go by, and that’s part of the joy in the lifetime journey of remarriage. You’ll also make some mistakes along the way, and that’s okay. If you accept the fact that mistakes are part of the journey and will happen now and then, you’ll be free to grow closer.
There will also be seasons in your marriage when you’ll need to sacrifice some of your own needs for the good of your spouse or your kids. When you choose to do this, your relationship will deepen and become stronger through the trials of life. Respecting your husband, even when he doesn’t deserve it, or loving your wife, even when it’s not comfortable or convenient, are two tangible ways to make that happen.
Adapted from The ReMarriage Adventure: Preparing for a Lifetime of Love & Happiness, by Susan and Dale Mathis. Copyright © 2012, all rights reserved. Visit www.SusanGMathis.com for more on the adventure of remarriage.
