We often hear the adage, “It’s better to give than to receive.” It’s true that it is great to give! Not only does giving, or serving, help other people but it helps to get our eyes off of ourselves as we imitate Jesus’ example and obey His command to serve others.
But learning to be a good receiver is also a good quality to cultivate. Even Jesus, the epitome of a good servant, was also was a good receiver. To name a few examples: He received the hospitality of staying in other people’s homes, letting others host him for dinner, cook for him, help him financially, wash His feet, and care for other needs.
Give and Take in Marriage
In any relationship, and especially in a marriage, giving and receiving is of the utmost importance. We have to learn to do both well. After all, in order to serve you need someone to receive! If there are no “receivers” there can be no servants. And vice versa.
In some relationships one person constantly gives while the other person selfishly receives without giving back. On the other hand, sometimes one person wants to give but the other spouse won’t receive the help. Both of these are problems that need to be addressed. Often we can fall into unhealthy patterns we witnessed while growing up.
Let’s take look at a couple of real life examples.
Jill and Brian. Jill works and also does all of the cooking, cleaning and errands. She irons Brian’s work shirts and accompanies him to all of the activities he enjoys, even though they wouldn’t be first on her list…action movies, sporting events, riding his motorcycle. Jill is good at giving and Brian willingly receives.
But when Jill asks Brian to go with her to an art gallery she likes, he refuses, saying he doesn’t like art. In fact he refuses to do anything she wants to do that he isn’t also interested in. While Jill goes out of her way to support his interests and spend time with him, Brian doesn’t reciprocate unless there is something in it for him. There is no give and take. Brian is constantly receiving without much serving. Jill continually feels rejected and exhausted by Brian’s selfishness.
But there’s a flip side, too.
Alyssa and John. Alyssa has four kids under the age of 6 and volunteers at church. She is overwhelmed by her daily schedule. Her husband John sees how harried she is and tries to help by offering to make dinner, or helping with the laundry. But Alyssa shuns his requests to help. Why? She doesn’t trust him to do things the right way, (i.e. “her” way) because she likes to be the one in control. John is just trying to lighten his wife’s load but feels rejected by her inability to let him help.
Alyssa is overwhelmed but isn’t receiving all the help she could be. She feels like she should have it all together and shouldn’t need help from others. Needing help makes her feel weak, dependent and guilty for putting others out. But is this really how God wants her to feel about it?
In the first example Brian isn’t being like Jesus. He’s not modeling Jesus’ example and command of servant hood. In the second example Alyssa isn’t open to receiving her husband’s attempts to serve her.
When Jesus first sent out his twelve disciples to minister He said to them, “This is a large work I’ve called you into, but don’t be overwhelmed by it. It’s best to start small. Give a cool cup of water to someone who is thirsty, for instance. The smallest act of giving or receiving makes you a true apprentice.” (Matthew 10:40-42, The Message)
If you can’t receive from another human being, how on earth are you going to allow yourself to receive anything from God? And if you don’t serve others well how on earth are you going to become more like Jesus?
Jesus was a servant at heart and He is our standard for serving others. And yet He also let others serve Him.
Here are some questions to consider:
- Do you receive well from your spouse? Do you receive well from God? If not, why not?
- Do you serve your spouse well? Do you serve God well? If not, why not?
How Do You Learn to Serve and Receive?
If you have trouble with serving or receiving help from others, first repent. In the New Testament the Greek word for repent is metanoia. It means to change one’s mind; to have a transformative change of heart.
Simply make a decision that you are actively going to start do things differently. Look for even small ways to serve. Look for opportunities to receive help. It may be uncomfortable at first but it will become easier as you do it more.
Remember that it’s in giving that you receive, and in receiving that you give.
