Guilt is a stingy emotion. It will not release us from something we have done if we have caused harm to come to someone else. There is guilt in us all, which also means that it is present in all relationships. One thing of note, guilt and shame are very similar emotions. The big difference is in the internal truth associated with each. Guilt says “I did something bad,” which is focused on the action or choice that someone makes. Shame says “I am bad” which is more focused on the identity of the person. The distinction is important to make because if “I am bad” is the truth someone lives with, their choices will all be a reflection of this truth.
There are a couple of ways that we tend to deal with guilt. For one, we stuff it. Stuffing our guilt has the benefit of temporarily relieving us from our internal struggle. Denying a guilty conscious is a tiresome task, but is the easiest way to avert the responsibility of dealing with our actions. The problem with this avenue is that we almost guarantee that our guilt will come out in other times, sometimes when we least expect it. Think of stuffing guilt like putting an inflated beach ball under water. It’s challenging to keep it under for very long and when it comes up, it’s almost impossible to predict where it will go. When we stuff guilt, we stuff the process of forgiveness and reconciliation.
Another way we deal with guilt is to blame others. This is the easiest route in a relationship because there is always some fault found in others. Adam blamed Eve in the garden when God asked what happened. He felt guilt for what he’d done, and the quickest way to get out of the spotlight of blame was to shift it and blame Eve. If you’re away of your own thoughts and actions, you’ll find plenty of times that you behave just like Adam.
Stuffing it and blaming others both lead to the same result: Guilt remains unaddressed. Here are some tips to deal with guilt in a healthy way.
Explore it.
Sometimes people can be troubled with guilt from their past. This can show up in the form of anxiety. Being in a constant flurry of activity to keep one from being blamed can sometimes be attributed to deep struggles with guilt. One sure-fire way to know that struggles with guilt are present is if the phrase “I’m sorry” is used a lot. Yes, there are appropriate times to apologize, but there are also times where this has no merit.
Name it and claim it.
If the most common way of dealing with guilt is to stuff and ignore it, the most uncommon way of healthily addressing it is to name it, and claim it as your own. If you’re guilty of something, admit it. Conversely, if you’re not guilty, don’t do something that would be associated with someone who is guilty (such as defending, trying to cover up, or trying to fix a situation). It may sound overly simplistic, but admitting that you’re guilty is the quickest way to resolve a conflict.
Forgive it.
Even if your spouse, good friend, or other relationship will not forgive you of your offense, you’re still on the hook with yourself. If you cannot forgive yourself, you will be stuck in neutral in your relationship. We need the forgiveness of others and ourselves in order to move forward. Forgiving oneself requires that we do not hold onto the guilt as a condemning judgement. There may be consequences, but those can be experienced without condemnation.
Taking time to explore our guilt with others, in a journal, or in prayer will provide the foundation to accept and forgive later on. If we hide others, and ourselves, from what is troubling us, we will never have intimate relationships. Yes, allowing others to see inside is a scary proposition, but it’s the only way we can be loved and accepted.
