Recently someone asked how they (as a major extrovert) can make sure their girlfriend (an introvert) is comfortable in different settings. This is a great question! First, let’s shake off an old stereotype. Being an introvert isn’t as much about whether you are outgoing or reserved, rather it’s about the way you recharge. Extroverts tend to get energized and refreshed by being with other people. Introverts get refreshed by being alone and having times of quiet.
Some introverts are shy and withdrawn. Others aren’t. I’m an introvert and I am friendly, can talk fairly easily with strangers (when I want to!) and have done lots of public speaking over the years. There are also lots of introverts in the church who have “extroverted” gifts such as teaching and leading worship.
As I wrote in my article, When Introverts and Extroverts Collide, these two different personality types can get along very well in a relationship. While I’m an introvert my husband is an extrovert. It’s all about respecting the other person, knowing each other’s needs and following through.
So, back to the original question…Here are a few suggestions for how extroverts can make sure their introverted companion feels cared for:
Ask what her needs are. Ask her to be specific. This is big. Being open to communicating honestly is the first step. If your significant other can’t or isn’t willing to do this, but rather expects you to read her mind, this is a major issue which needs to be worked through.
If she is able to be honest with you she can tell you what she needs. Some examples of those needs could include:
- Alone time on Sunday evenings to mentally recharge and prepare for the busy week.
- Asking you to not leave her alone for long when you go to a party where she doesn’t know anyone.
- Spending time together doing low key activities at least once a week.
- Not going out with large groups of people more than twice per month.
You get the idea. Everyone is different and will have different needs.
Before large occasions, share your expectations with each other. Are you headed to Christmas with your entire family? Or to a work party? Or a BBQ with all your old college buddies? Many introverts feel more comfortable one-on-one rather than in a large group. So, ask your introverted spouse what he needs from you in order to feel comfortable there. My husband and I learned this the hard way when we were newly dating.
Before he understood my introverted needs, we went to a party consisting of only people my husband knew. Since I seemed friendly and outgoing to him, he assumed I could handle myself and didn’t need him to be next to me the entire time. So he proceeded to barely spend any time with me as he chatted away with all his friends! I had to make conversation with complete strangers for two hours. While I am capable of doing that without being awkward about it, it was very uncomfortable and stressful for me to have to be that outgoing with strangers for such a long time.
Afterward I talked with him about it and let him know not only how uncomfortable the experience had been but why it was uncomfortable. Now when we go to a function where I don’t know many people he makes sure to stick closer to me. I also remind him ahead of time to please not leave me for large portions of time. Yes, I am fine on my own chatting with people for periods of time, but I also want to be with him! Thankfully he understands my needs and works with me so we both have a good time.
Be willing to give and take. Participate in each other’s activities, with a good attitude. Two key words found in successful relationships are service and compromise. If both people are serving and compromising with the other, both people’s needs will be met and there is greater likelihood for a fulfilling relationship.
Being willing to support healthy ways of interacting and activities that are important to the other person is key. Perhaps you are an introvert and you prefer quiet evenings at home. But you’re dating a guy who’s a musician and he likes to go to loud concerts with big crowds. Go with him sometimes and have a good attitude about it. Likewise, he can spend a quiet evening at home with you at other times even though he prefers to be in a more bustling environment.
Don’t forget the extroverts! I also encourage the introverts out there to ask their extroverted spouses what their needs are. If you’re both willing to give and receive with a loving heart, you’ll be able to work through the learning curve of bringing together an introvert and an extrovert.
