As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.” (James 2:26)
According to recent scholarship summarized in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2010), authenticity in relationships was found to promote relationship building behaviors and relationship satisfaction and their antitheses—defensiveness, dishonesty, and inauthenticity were found to “undermine relationship partners’ trust, commitment, and relationship satisfaction.”*
For the Christian couple this echoes the Bible’s teachings that authenticity promotes genuine satisfaction. As James would put it, faith without behavioral support is dead – and so is a relationship without the faith-inspired behaviors that support it. The “Christian” aspects of a “Christian marriage” must be visible for it to be real to a spouse. We call this “being believable.”
Who knows that you are a Christian? How do they know? We ask these questions because the marriages that generate the truest happiness and God’s blessing are born of two people living authentically. No matter which cultural study you read (from Barna to Pew), they all call our attention to the sad observation that there is little attitudinal difference between professing Christians and those who reject Christianity. For example, some of the studies demonstrate that the non-Christian sometimes has a more biblical view of homelessness and the poor. If the research is reliable, it certainly seems possible that some of these same people would have a better view of marriage, too.
They who love beyond this world cannot be separated by it.” -William Penn
Being believable means that God’s people show a love and concern for others that only can come from God. When William Penn wrote, “They that love beyond this world cannot be separated by it,” he certainly supported this truth. A love beyond this world comes as a result of authentic Christian living. Our marriages must bear careful inspection because God has left us among the enemy as luminaries. When we start loving like everyone else, we lose our impact, not only with those in the world with whom we work and play, but with our spouses as well. Successful Christian marriages are those which reflect a deep, soul-purging authenticity that changes the way we live. This is what Peter meant when he wrote:
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 10 Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. – 1 Peter 2:9
Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. 12 Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us. – 1 Peter 2:11
As the scholars in the first paragraph explained, inauthenticity affects our relationships in ways we rarely understand. This is even truer for the believer.
Terminal Hypocrisy
Aaron and Rebecca sat in my (Rich’s) office. Their marriage suffered from terminal hypocrisy. On Sunday, Rebecca taught in the children’s ministry. Aaron had applied to serve as a leader in the church. Aaron had completed the application and prepared for the interview with the pastor. During the week before, they had several long discussions about the questions asked in the application. The church wanted to know if they were regular in their attendance – they were not. They were asked about their giving. Sadly only $600 had been given that year out of an annual income of over $115,000. Their discussion not only raised questions of believability, but it impacted their deep-seated view of the other.
For years, they had played the game they had learned from their parents. Filling out a simple form for a leadership position opened their eyes to the warning signs of a marriage headed for trouble. The question that started the discussion was, “If the congregation could live with you for a week, would they learn more about how to model Christianity in their marriages?” Aaron didn’t want to admit that they had a problem, but Rebecca knew they were in trouble. For years she had repressed her feelings about the lack of authenticity in his faith – and in her own. He had all the right words at church. He knew the Bible, but his knowledge was intellectual. Months earlier they had an argument over reading a classic by J. I. Packer, entitled, Knowing God. The author expressed a concern about those who “know about God, but don’t know God.”
Aaron had scoffed when he read the statement.
I don’t get this relational stuff – throw out your brain and get all emotional!”
Rebecca realized that they both valued learning at the expense of application – living out what they knew. Christianity was more cultural and social rather than relational. She began noticing that they had become two different people. At church, they played the game. At home, they put their Christianity and Bibles on the sidelines until Sunday rolled around.
Posers
The questionnaire brought it all to a head. They both realized that seeing each other as posers had cost them the mutual respect that they needed to have for each other. They had stopped being believable. They saw it in their relationship and they saw it in their kids who were quickly becoming more like their un-churched friends. As they sat in my office, they confessed that some changes needed to be made.
Rich and I (Marty) often ask the couples we counsel, “How believable are you? If the government began arresting Christians, would you go to jail? Would your checkbook reveal your faith?” Our examination for the Christian begins with the spiritual. Defining our marriage in Christian terms, trusting in and following God’s principles, and being believable are part of authenticity.
This faith-based authenticity is described by Paul in Ephesians 5 as a mystery. Why “a mystery”? The husband’s love for his wife and her respect for her husband reflect Christ’s love for the church. Our spouses and our neighbors should see in our marriages the living testimony of Christ’s love. As the authors of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology article remind us, authenticity promotes trust, commitment and relational satisfaction. It is important that we cultivate authenticity with our spouses, but in order to evoke God’s extravagant blessing in our marriages, we need to maintain an authentic relationship with him. When we do, he blesses our relationship with a more genuine and engaging love. When that happens we become believable – to the world and to each other.
*Omri Gillath, Amanda K. Sesko, Phillip R. Shaver, David S. Chun. “Attachment, Authenticity, and Honesty : Dispositional and Experimentally Induced Security Can Reduce Self- and Other-Deception.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2010, 98(5).
