A difficulty for many couples is learning how to handle conflict in marriage.
Most of us don’t want to be mean or disrespectful to our spouse. Yet when we grow up with unresolved issues, emotional wounds, or poor role modeling from the adults around us, bad relationship habits can become ingrained. The good news is that we can learn new, healthier behaviors and when we’re in Christ He will transform us to be more and more like Himself.
That’s a good thing!
So, what biblical values are there to consider when we deal with conflict in our marriages?
A couple scriptures that come to mind right away are:
Ephesians 4:29, 31-32
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Colossians 3:12-14
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
These scriptures give us a long list of biblical values that are so important in any relationship, and especially your marriage!
Listen to all of the great words and ideas in those scriptures: love, patience, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, gentleness, humility. Making sure what we’re saying is building up, not tearing down. Using the model of Jesus’ forgiveness as how we should forgive―wholly and completely. Bear with each other; having patience. Getting rid of all the things that are opposite of these values…like getting rid of bitterness, rage, slander, malice.
You and your spouse, joined in marriage, are one flesh. You’re in covenant with each other and with God. So, honor God and your spouse by putting away selfish behavior and clothing yourself in love.
In Ephesians 5 it says, in a marriage, to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (v.21) and for Husbands to love your wives, just as Christ loved the church (v.25), and wives respect your husband (v.33)
How do we put these biblical values into action as we work through conflict in day to day life?
Learning to communicate in a healthy way is a key here, so here are some suggestions to consider:
- Decide ahead of time that you will work through issues as a team. You’re partners in this. Don’t take sides, rather, as a team work through the roadblocks.
- Always choose Respect. Resist yelling, calling each other names, or bringing up a grievance from the past. Treat your spouse the way you want to be treated.
- When your spouse speaks, really listen. And be open to your spouse speaking truth into your life.
- If you’re worked up emotionally give each other time to cool down before you talk. Acting mature can be more difficult when negative emotions are escalated.
- Try to avoid talking about serious issues when you’re tired, hungry, or just got home from work.
- One great tip I learned a number of years ago is to make an appointment with your spouse. This means set a time and day that you are going to talk in depth about a certain issue. It gives you and your spouse a chance to think and pray about what you want to say and you aren’t just “dropping a bomb” on them by bringing up a huge problem when they are completely unprepared for it.
- Be willing to get counsel when necessary. Sometimes we just need help to work through serious issues. Getting godly counsel is biblical. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.
- Become as emotionally healthy as you can be! This means getting to the root cause of unhealthy communication, lifestyle choices and coping mechanisms and learning to replace those with healthy and mature ways to live.
Good communication is a learned skill.
Not only do you want to treat your spouse well just for the sake of caring for them, but you are also an example to other Christians, to your children and to non-believers in what it means to love your spouse in a God-honoring way.
Even if you or your spouse aren’t the best communicators, you can learn to communicate well. There is hope! Remember that none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. Give yourself and your spouse grace as you learn and grow in healthy communication.
