All of us tend to have a certain way of resolving conflict—one of four basic fighting styles:
1. I’ll win at all costs (you control and attack).
2. I’ll never win (you give up).
3. I’ll withdraw (you just let it go or ignore it).
4. We’ll work together to resolve the issue.
Though Gayle and Steve’s default mode was to win at all costs, they learned to change their style so they could resolve the issues they faced as a team.
“Both of us are competitive in nature,” Gayle says. “Unfortunately, that means we both have that ‘I will win’ mentality. So we have to choose to work together. Though it may be our tendency, we no longer jump into fights anymore. It usually starts with a discussion and maybe gets a little heated. So we may wait to discuss it later if we need to. But we never avoid a problem like we both did in our first marriages. We have learned—the hard way—that avoiding a problem is not the answer. If we don’t have the energy to talk about it right then, we table it for a day or so and think it through.”
“We probably table our discussions about eighty percent of the time,” Steve says, “because too often there’s something competing for our time—work, a sporting event with one of the boys—whatever. The next day we schedule a time to resolve the issue.”
As in any conflict, resolving the issues takes a concerted effort. Gayle and Steve had to find out how to do that in their circumstances, and so will you.
Here are some basics:
- First, check your attitude, making sure that selfishness, anger, or stubbornness isn’t controlling you.
- Then ask for God’s help, especially when dealing with touchy subjects such as sex, money, or the kids.
- Next, take ownership of your own emotions and reactions and analyze the problem to find out if it is, in fact, the actual problem. What’s really going on?
Like Gayle and Steve, be sure it’s the right time to talk about the situation, and never argue in public or in front of the kids, especially about something as personal as sex or kid stuff.
After all this, you’re ready to discuss the problem. Be sure to use “I” statements instead of pointing the finger and blaming the other, and, as Steve learned, don’t use name calling, explosive words, or push each other’s buttons while you’re trying to resolve an issue.
The bottom line, treat one other the way you’d want to be treated! Listen to each other, find a solution together, forgive one other, and resolve to learn from the experience. Then celebrate that you’ve overcome yet again—together.
Adapted from The ReMarriage Adventure: Preparing for a Lifetime of Love & Happiness and Countdown for Couples: Preparing for the Adventure of Marriage. Copyright © 2012, all rights reserved. Visit www.SusanGMathis.com for more.
