The crux of every marriage crisis is a lack of communication.
Recently, I wrote a blog post here called, “How to Get Your Man to Talk.” I was encouraged to read the responses, not because I want other couples to experience the strain between a wordy wife and hushed-up husband, but because in the comments, I found affirmation that my husband and I are not alone.
In that post, I pondered the notes I have taken on our marital communication and the specific things I have discovered that help my husband to open up.
1. I need to shut up.
2. I need to engage him in conversation about things he enjoys.
I took these epiphanies to God in prayer. I asked Him if there were other ways that I can honor Him and my husband with my words.
I believe God showed me five things that I need to remember when I want to have a meaningful conversation with my husband.
- He will never, ever meet all of my expectations.
- I married a man. I am a woman. Fundamentally, we think differently, we see the world differently. But the one thing we have in common is that we are both human, both fallible, both incapable of perfect compassion, empathy and wisdom. I need to give my husband room to take back hasty words, ask forgiveness or simply to disagree.
- I am not hearing him perfectly either.
- Dr. Gary Chapman says that there are five love languages. No matter how similar our languages, my husband and I speak different dialects. Many times I think that I can finish my husband’s sentences, surely, I know exactly what he is thinking and what he is going to say. Not true.
- Some things really aren’t important.
- Oh how I long for my husband to burst through the front door at the end of the day, smooch my cheek and ask, “How was your day?” Since he doesn’t, I usually launch into a play by play, certain that he will be better for knowing. My pride is wounded when he flicks the TV, walks up the stairs or simply stares at me with glassy eyes. However, truthfully most of what I’m dying to say isn’t vital. Maybe it can wait for later. Maybe it doesn’t need to be said at all.
- Very little good ever comes from lots of talking. Proverbs 10:19 is pretty direct, “Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.” There is no need to explain this one.
- He may not be ignoring me.
- More than once I have accused my husband of tuning me out, only to hear him share with someone else the exact thing I had told him earlier. Also, admittedly, I sometimes talk at him from the other room and then wonder why he failed to respond. It is my responsibility to make sure that I have his attention before I speak.
This is not a formula. These are not fail-proof methods. However, most men are as similar to each other as they are different from their wives. These are tested truths that, when applied with love, patience and no-holds-barred commitment, consistently yield full, rich, conversation and restful, restorative times of quiet.
